Michael Joseph Jackson’s untimely death on June 25, 2009 shocked the world. The world’s greatest entertainer had died and far too soon at that. MJ still had work to complete. There was the long rumored new album to launch his “comeback,” which I was anticipating. There was the record-setting 50 sold out shows in London, which he was to perform at the O2 arena. MJ seemed to be laying the groundwork for re-entry into the public music scene again. No one was more excited by this than I was – a loyal fan who’d been following his career since the age of six.

As a child, I had two huge musical influences that played a huge role in my life – Prince & The Revolution and Michael Jackson. MJ’s music first connected with me as a child with his Motown 25 performance. I remember being bedazzled with his performance of “Billie Jean” and of course, the moonwalk. After that performance, I became a fan for life, and I always stayed loyal to him. My faith in MJ as a human being, entertainer, and musical genius never wavered. Where many doubted he could perform the 50 This Is It shows, I never did. After viewing the This Is It film on opening day, it only reaffirmed what I always believed – that MJ still had it.

Note: Some portions of this review contain excerpts from my Twitter film review of This Is It.

When the beginning credits for This Is It rolled, you could feel the reverence, respect, and calm in the crowd. Never felt anything like it.

I actually saw This Is It twice before writing my review. At both showings, I was very much aware that I was amongst MJ fans. For both showings, there was such a respectful tone in the audience, and I really could feel the love and yes, even somberness of the others in the theater. It was definitely an interesting in-theater experience, which I will describe in further detail later.

I could feel the emotion welling up in me within the first two minutes of This Is It. Then the music started, and I was smiling big time!

After the beginning credits rolled, I had a moment where I wondered if the film was going to be sad. The footage of MJ’s background dancers expressing their love and gratitude was touching. To say that the dancers were appreciative of being chosen was an understatement. It was a great way to open up the film, but it also made me a bit emotional. Fortunately, director Kenny Ortega brought the mood up very quickly by cutting to MJ’s “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’.” Within the first few notes of the music, I was wearing a huge smile on my face and head bopping with many other fans in the theater.

This Is It gave me the urge to break out my MJ moves right there in the aisle. Seriously. I was definitely head boppin a lot during the film. For whatever reason, MJ’s music really connected with me in a different way when I watched This Is It. I was really into it.

I’m not one of those people who have the urge to dance when viewing dance/concert films; however, This Is It definitely tempted me to do just that. Obviously, I wasn’t the only one who had that same urge. I watched the audience at both screenings, and many were waving their hands to the music and just “feeling it” as much as I was. There were moments where I was expecting other fans to break out their MJ moves in the aisle as well.

Maybe it was the Dolby Surround Sound. Maybe it was the love amongst the audience for MJ. Or perhaps I just have to “blame it on the boogie,” but the music sounded extra good to me. MJ’s new touring band really had his songs nailed down, and I appreciated their attention to detail (guided by MJ of course). I personally wouldn’t have minded if Sony laced MJ’s recorded vocals on top of the touring band’s live performance of his songs. That would be an album worth adding to my collection for sure. The music sounded just that good to me.

For all of the performances, I was recalling all of the MJ choreography and doing it in my head right along with Michael and the dancers.

As a child, I took professional dance classes and thought I would grow up to become a dancer one day. Since I was a MJ fan, I studied his moves as a dancer and learned many of them – “Thriller,” “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’,” “Billie Jean,” “The Way You Make Me Feel,” etc. Although I hadn’t done much of the choreography in a while, it’s not something I really forgot. I recognized the familiar steps when MJ preformed his signature songs, and I was right there with him (in my head) doing the choreography.

While I watched MJ with his dancers, I noticed he wasn’t extending himself at rehearsals at times; nevertheless, he still had the smooth moves. When he was going full throttle on the dancing, MJ was keeping up with his 20-year-old background dancers with ease. I can only hope I’ll be able to move like that when I turn 50.

As I watched This Is It, I studied MJ. He was a bit smaller than normal, but this man was healthy and vibrant. He still had it!

I couldn’t help but watch for signs that would indicate if something wrong with MJ while he performed. I saw nothing wrong with him, other than him being smaller than I remembered. Everything I saw in the rehearsal footage leads me to believe MJ could have indeed pulled off all 50 concerts without any problems. Of course, I never doubted that he could.

If you didn’t know before, This Is It showed you that MJ was a musical genius! This man’s musicology was amazing. Mad respect for that.

Some scenes I really enjoyed watching involved MJ’s interactions with his touring band. Unsurprisingly, MJ was very involved in how his music sounded and how it would be presented to his fans. As his music director Michael Bearden said, MJ knew his music better than anyone did. That was evident when MJ was working with Bearden on the presentation of the music and challenging lead guitarist, Orianthi Panagaris, to hit certain high notes on her guitar that he sang. MJ would relay exactly how he wanted the music to sound. Not only that, but MJ said something in This Is It that should be the golden standard of all bands and touring bands. MJ informed Bearden during a rehearsal that he wanted his music to sound like how he recorded it. When I heard that, I said, “Thank you!” aloud. MJ wanted his fans to hear his music like the records, and I have a deep appreciation for him caring that we did hear it that way. Other touring bands have played songs for the artist they backed, and I sometimes had no clue what the song was until the artist starting singing it. In other instances, some touring bands were close to how the music sounded but not like the artist’s records. MJ was indeed a perfectionist who cared about the tiniest attention to detail in the music. He wanted it right, not just for himself but also for the fans.

Additionally, I noted there were times when the music just oozed through his soul. It was during those moments when MJ couldn’t help but break out into dance moves when guiding his music director on finely tuned touches he wanted in the music. This man felt his music within every fiber of his being. You could just see it when you watched him. MJ wasn’t shy about expressing how much his music ran through his blood. The spontaneous singing and dancing during the rehearsals clearly showed the love he had for his music. As a fan, I found that extremely enjoyable to experience.

I will note one standout in This Is It and that’s MJ’s female guitarist: Orianthi Panagaris. She was fire! Just as awesome as Jennifer Batten.

Shortly after MJ passed away, I caught a short clip of him performing next to a blonde female guitarist. For a second, I thought MJ had brought back Jennifer Batten, his former lead guitarist for the Bad, Dangerous, and HIStory tours. However, I later learned that it wasn’t Batten but a new face named Orianthi Panagaris. Before the film premiered, I had done a bit of research on Orianthi. I knew she’d played for Carrie Underwood at the 51^st annual Grammy Awards. I also had heard a bit of her guitar playing, and I was quite impressed. Still, I mostly stayed away from too many clips of Orianthi’s guitar playing because I wanted to hear her shine in This Is It. And my goodness, shine, did she ever! I knew that like Batten before her, Orianthi played the “Beat It” solo when auditioning for MJ’s touring band. The “Beat It” solo was one moment that I was looking forward to since I know exactly how it’s supposed to sound. When Orianthi started playing the “Beat It” solo, I couldn’t help but be wowed. When she was done playing, I glanced at my youngest brother (who saw the film with me), and he was wearing that same expression of astonishment. She was just as amazing of a guitar player as Batten – both whom is head and shoulders above many of their male counterparts. From that moment forward in This Is It, I kept my eye on Orianthi, even drifting away from MJ at times to study her. She had this cool, funky swagger as a player that I just enjoyed watching, especially during “Black or White.” Similar to my admiration of Batten, I became a fan of Orianthi’s very impressive guitar work.

As for MJ himself, you saw a different side of the icon that you’ve never seen before. He was funny, charming, humble, and into the music.

Over the years, I’d heard MJ’s former backup dancers, background singers, and touring band express their sentiments about the icon. To them, he wasn’t just an icon; MJ was very much a human being. When I watched This Is It, I saw exactly what the people who worked with him saw. The “icon barrier” was down while MJ was rehearsing, and I truly got a peek into the beautiful soul this man had. MJ was patient with his touring band when they made mistakes, and he often ended his “constructive criticism” (more like a gentle please fix this) with a “God bless you” or “that’s with L.O.V.E.” I was touched hearing him say that, so I can only imagine how his touring band felt when he punctuated his “constructive criticism” with loving words at the end.

When he wasn’t being humble and caring towards his band and crew, MJ was quite the charmer and often humorous. I watched him during a couple of songs – “I Just Can’t Stop Loving You” and “The Way You Make Me Feel” – and he was being quite charming towards his female leads. It was there in the way he smiled, moved, and interacted with them on stage. Additionally, I noticed something else during these interactions with his female leads. There have been longstanding rumors that MJ wasn’t really into women (never believed that) and was even perhaps asexual (ridiculous). When I watched MJ and his female leads, I felt he was being a bit flirty (in addition to humorous and charming) when they were rehearsing. Of course, I’ve seen MJ interact with female leads dozens of times in videos and concert footage; however, this was different. I felt like MJ was being his true, everyday self during the This Is It rehearsals. He definitely wasn’t wearing that “King of Pop” persona that he presented to the public. He was just being a flirtatious, charming, and humorous man with his female leads. He also expressed that sense of humor and charm with the band and crew. I found that most interesting to see because it definitely gave me a glimpse into the man, not the musical legend.

This Is It is rehearsals. Anyone who has ever been a musician (me) and dancer (me, too), then you know it’s not polished like a full show. Nevertheless, This Is It gave you an awesome look behind the magic of MJ’s show. It is one of the best concert films I’ve ever seen.

I knew what to expect when I watched This Is It – rehearsals. I knew that I wasn’t going to see MJ at full throttle the entire time. From what I understand, he was told to conserve his voice (something he stated in the film), so there were moments where he didn’t sing during songs. There were also times where he wasn’t dancing during songs, but I knew he would have been had it been the actual concert. Still, I knew these are the kind of things that occur in rehearsals. I felt This Is It was an honest look at how rehearsals run prior to the actual concert. This Is It is not something similar to the Live Concert in Bucharest: The Dangerous Tour concert film. As a result, viewers should have the expectation that rehearsals and concerts are different entities.

I have seen several concert films throughout the years. This Is It achieves a standard that other concert films should aim towards in the future. Director Kenny Ortega did an outstanding job editing the footage together to create This Is It. Ortega gave me a glimpse of sound checks, a behind the scenes look at the visual effects/footage for the concert, and interviews with many personalities who were a part of This Is It. Other than one brief clip of “MJ mania” at the beginning, Ortega kept the film very intimate.

The visuals for MJ’s This Is It concert series were stunning. He was going to put on a bloody fantastic show. You could see it.

MJ and Ortega crafted some pretty remarkable ideas and visuals for the This Is It concert series. They were really pushing the boundaries in terms of spectacle. There really was a Hollywood production touch to the new footage shot for “Thriller,” “Smooth Criminal,” and other songs. It was going to be an astonishing experience for fans that would have been fortunate to see it. It would have been well worth the money to see these MJ shows.

This Is It did put me on an emotional roller coaster. I felt joy, sadness, anger (at an irresponsible doctor), and humor.

I was a bit worried how This Is It would make me feel when I watched it. I didn’t want to be sad when I saw him, and I was concerned I would be. I have stayed away from a lot of MJ footage since he died, which includes the memorial that I can’t bear to watch. Many of MJ’s videos, interviews, and concert footage was entirely too painful to watch early on, and it still brings a touch of pain to my heart when I see footage now. Fortunately, I didn’t have that many moments of sadness during This Is It. While I did swing like a pendulum between certain emotions, I would have to say I felt joy and humor the most. I also would experience a touch of anger at the doctor who is allegedly responsible for MJ’s death. When I watched MJ in This Is It, he was so alive and vibrant, and it made me angry that the incandescent fire in the physical form of MJ is dead. His death still makes no sense to me, and after watching This Is It, I really felt that he was gone far too soon. As I stated previously, MJ still had work to complete.

I have to say I held up well until “Man in the Mirror” in This Is It. I have not been able to listen to that song since MJ died. When MJ performed “Man in the Mirror” in This Is It, I was crying. For me, MJ was one of two of the most important music icons to me.

MJ’s performance of “Man in the Mirror” was the one truly saddening moment for me during This Is It. I knew the song was going to be in the film, and I thought I would be prepared for it. I thought I would be able to get through it without crying but I couldn’t. When I watched him perform “Man in the Mirror” and sing it with passion, it just got to me emotionally. The tears flowed silently the both times I saw This Is It during “Man in the Mirror.” I had that gut clenching moment where I knew there was never going to be another human being like MJ. I knew there was no one who was going to touch the legacy of artistry, music, and creative genius that MJ left behind.

After This Is It ended, the audience clapped, and no one moved during the credits. People stayed to finish watching more footage. Awesome.

I have been to the theater often enough to know that the majority of people leave as soon as the credits roll. No one did during the two times I saw This Is It in theaters. Once again, I knew I was amongst fans, and like me, they wanted to see every drop of MJ footage. Watching This Is It with other fans was truly an amazing experience for me. It is the best in-theater experience I’ve ever had…hands down. If you have the opportunity to see This Is It in theaters and you’re a fan, please do so. For me, there was no other film experience like it.

If you are a MJ fan, I highly recommend you see This Is It. I’m seeing it at least twice more. I want more. It’s an A+!

To add onto this, I just want to say that This Is It is definitely one of my favorite films of 2009. I’m aware that Sony will submit it for Academy Awards consideration. I think it should be an Academy Award nominee, and I’m not just saying that simply because I’m a major MJ fan. The film was well crafted in its entirety. Director Kenny Ortega put his heart and soul into constructing this film. Not only did he give the fans a wonderful experience, but I also believe he gave non-fans an appreciation for MJ’s humanity and showmanship. It really was a beautiful work of art, and I applaud Ortega’s efforts in giving the fans something wonderful to remember MJ by – a performer, artist, and genius…a human being.

My maternal grandmother is the sole reason why I am a soap opera fan. When I was a child, my grandmother was my primary caretaker while my parents worked. I feel pretty confident that as a baby, my grandmother cradled me in her arms and had me watching “her stories” right along with her. As I grew up a bit and entered my pre-school years, I remember my grandmother bringing me home early. After fixing me something to eat, she would place my little mini rocking chair next to her own rocking chair. We would then watch the CBS soap operas together. Like many children who grew up with a soap opera watcher, I didn’t like to watch soaps. I would rather watch PBS programming (i.e. Mr. Rogers, Sesame Street, etc.) than the soaps. Granted, my grandmother would turn on the educational TV programs for me to watch, but she had to see her stories. As a result, I watched them right along with her. I have many vivid and fond memories of soap operas as a child. Many of those came from the Guiding Light.

My earliest memories of the Guiding Light came from the 1980s. At that time, I was old enough to understand the characters and stories being told. I started identifying who the families of Springfield were such as the Spauldings, the Bauers, the Raineses, the Lewises, and the Reardons. Naturally, I gravitated towards the characters I liked, and during the 1980s, I specifically loved watching the Four Musketeers – Phillip Spaulding, Rick Bauer, Mindy Lewis, and Beth Raines. The Four Musketeers were some of my favorites of the younger cast members, but I also liked Brandon “Lujack” Spaulding and later on, Alan-Michael Spaulding. Nevertheless, I primarily loved the older characters on the Guiding Light.

Several iconic Guiding Light characters made a huge impression on me as a child, and they include Alexandra Spaulding, Reva Shayne, Josh Lewis, and Vanessa Chamberlain.

Alexandra Spaulding

My favorite portrayal of Alexandra Spaulding is the one played by Beverlee McKinsey. She was the epitome of a cool as ice blonde in her portrayal of Alexandra. Everything about her gave me the impression that Alexandra was class, elegance, sophistication, and of course, a snob. As a child, I was aware that I should root for the good guy and boo the bad guy. However, I found myself rooting for Alexandra for the most part. She did some things that I didn’t like at times; yet, I couldn’t help but like Alexandra. I waited with anticipation for her to grace my TV screen. I loved watching Alexandra fight with Blake Thorpe and deliver cutting insults in a cool as a cucumber manner. Even though I was surprised to discover Lujack was Alexandra’s son, I enjoyed watching her win him over with the patience of Job. Later, I would be baffled to discover that Lujack had a twin – Nick McHenry – that Alexandra didn’t seem to remember bringing into this world (due to being drugged). I watched her snake her way into Nick’s life, and while she did some unforgivable things to Nick, I still had some sympathy for Alexandra. I grew alarmed for Alexandra when she was romantically involved with the evil Roger Thorpe, and I was relieved when she disentangled herself from his life. Unfortunately, she would still collaborate with the villainous Roger Thorpe at times to my utter dismay.

Beverlee McKinsey’s portrayal of the character was the sole reason why I loved Alexandra Spaulding. I consider Alexandra as the template of another iconic character on another soap opera – Stephanie Forrester on The Bold & the Beautiful. Whenever I watch Stephanie, I see shades of McKinsey’s Alexandra Spaulding in her epic battles with Brooke Logan Forrester. Believe me, McKinsey’s Alexandra is not a bad template to be modeled after by any means.

Reva Shayne

I associate two iconic things with Reva Shayne – her Tina Turner impression and the “slut of Springfield” declaration. As a child, one of the things that made me like Reva was her Tina Turner imitation and of course, the hair. I was a huge Tina Turner fan, and I immediately noticed the similar styling of Reva’s hair to Tina’s 1980s hair. Hey, I was pretty easy to satisfy as a child. Having Tina Turner’s hair and having her do a Tina imitation made Reva cool to me.

Nevertheless, the infamous “slut of Springfield” scene is the one thing that made me adore her. Of all of the Reva Shayne scenes I’ve seen over the years, nothing is more iconic than the “slut of Springfield” scene. I was a child, and I didn’t quite know what a slut was; however, I knew it sounded pretty bad. I just remember feeling pretty amazed that she stripped out of clothes, stepped into a fountain, and baptized herself the slut of Springfield. When I rewatch that memorable scene today, it was just as amazing as I remembered it.

Throughout the years, I followed Reva Shayne’s many exploits. I got angry when she had affairs with and/or married everyone except “her Joshua.” I felt happiness when she finally pulled it together and reconnected with Josh Lewis. Her zesty attitude made me smile and cheer her. At times, she even baffled me (i.e. when she was an Amish woman). Nevertheless, I always had love in my heart for Springfield’s number one vixen.

Josh Lewis

For me, there is no Reva Shayne without Josh Lewis. The two go hand in hand, and they are the epitome of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the crusts cut off – heaven.

Just like Reva, my most memorable moments of Josh involved the “slut of Springfield” scene. Josh’s reactions to her teasing and taunts are just as powerful in that scene as Reva’s. He was a bitter and paralyzed man who was furious yet so deeply in love because he’d lost Reva – to his father. While I liked Josh well enough, it wasn’t until Reva showed up that his character really connected with me. Josh grew into a dashing hero and was someone I just rooted for.

Similar to Reva, I followed Josh through his many romantic relationships. I did like some romantic pairings outside of Reva, and as a kid, I felt a little guilty – like I was betraying my love of Josh and Reva. However, I always knew that Reva was “the one” for him. I never stopped liking Josh. I might not have liked some of the things he did, but he is one character that continued to bring me joy when watching.

Vanessa Chamberlain

If Reva Shayne was the “slut of Springfield,” then Vanessa Chamberlain was the lady to Reva’s tramp. Oh, Vanessa wasn’t a pure and perfect woman by any means. She did her share of man chasing but in a way that was different from the more flashy and flamboyant Reva Shayne. Vanessa managed to exhibit elegance and grace in the way she carried herself. I always felt like I was watching royalty whenever she was on my screen. Perhaps the fur coats, high heels, and fabulous jewelry had something to do with it as well.

While Vanessa was on my radar, I can’t say I was truly a big fan of hers until she got involved with Harlan “Billy” Lewis. Billy’s “rough and uncouth” cowboy ways tamed the shrew, which was something I enjoyed watching every second of. Billy might have been different from her world of sophistication and class, yet I think that’s what made him so appealing to Vanessa in the end. Watching Vanessa battle and ultimately succumb to her attraction is what endeared her to me. I felt like her love for Billy changed her and made me see her in a different light.

Although Vanessa would eventually separate from Billy, I kept watching my favorite sophisticated lady. Like Josh and Reva, I always wanted Vanessa back with Billy…until Matt Reardon. Honestly, I never felt like Billy Lewis had true competition for Vanessa’s heart until Matt entered the picture.

During this time, my interest in Guiding Light was waning a bit, and I wasn’t keeping up as much with the show. It was the promo for Matt and Vanessa that intrigued me and made me a more faithful watcher. Before cougar story lines became popular, Vanessa was one of the first female characters to fall for and marry a younger man. Unlike many current cougar story lines, Vanessa’s relationship with Matt was told in a way that made you feel like these two were truly, deeply in love. I know some Vanessa and Billy fans might stone me, but I would have preferred Vanessa and Matt sailing off into the sunset as a couple when Guiding Light ended. Vanessa and Matt’s story line remains as one of my favorites on the Guiding Light. Nevertheless, I understand why the show paired Vanessa and Billy back together. It makes sense to reunite Vanessa with the man who tamed her for any other man afterwards.

The Dimming of the Light

After the Matt and Vanessa romance, I tuned out of Guiding Light. At the time, I was watching a number of soap operas outside of the CBS network. Shows like Days of Our Lives and One Life to Live had captured my interest. Because of the number of soap operas I was watching in the 1990s, I had to cut out the underperformers. As a result, Guiding Light became a casualty. I wasn’t completely out of the loop on what occurred on the show, however. Around the time I tuned out, both of my younger brothers were still tuning in. They would fill me in on some of the characters I grew up watching, so I wasn’t living in a complete void when it came to Guiding Light. Although both brothers encouraged me to watch one particular story line – Phillip Spaulding and Harley Cooper – I never did. By the late 1990s, I felt confident that I would not watch Guiding Light again.

A Surprising Return & the Extinguishing of the Light

If you’ve been a follower of my blog for several months, then you’re aware that one story line (Otalia) brought me back to Guiding Light in January 2009. Before I started watching again, I knew that the Guiding Light I left behind in the early 1990s was not the same show. I had heard many things about Guiding Light’s much maligned “reality TV” production model. I was mentally prepared for the change, and I knew it was going to be different. However, I still couldn’t help but be a bit shocked at the show’s look when I started watching again. The hand cameras and lack of sets of Guiding Light’s production model bothered me for many months. I admittedly struggled with the production model (until portions of it clicked with me in late summer 2009). I just tried to ignore the look and feel of the show, and I wanted to focus on the stories.

I enjoyed getting caught up on what happened to the characters/families I remembered – the Coopers, the Lewises, the Spauldings, etc. I also discovered new characters that I was unaware of like Bill Lewis, Lizzie Spaulding, Dinah Marler, and James Spaulding. Alas, just as I was settling into Guiding Light again, CBS announced that it was cancelled on April 1, 2009.

The cancellation announcement wasn’t a shocker to me. I was aware that Guiding Light had been struggling shortly after I stopped watching in the 1990s. Nevertheless, the actual cancellation notice was sad when I heard about it. Aside from the fact that the show played a large part of my childhood, there are some ironic coincidences with Guiding Light’s cancellation and death on the airwaves.

I talked about how my maternal grandmother is the reason why I watched soap operas. Oddly enough, some key things really strike a personal note with me regarding Guiding Light and my grandmother.

Ironic Coincidence #1

I stopped watching the Guiding Light full time in (late) 1993. In 1993, my maternal grandmother died of a massive heart attack.

Ironic Coincidence #2

Guiding Light’s cancellation was announced in April 2009. My maternal grandmother died in the month of April – the 16^th to be exact.

Ironic Coincidence #3

At 72 years old, Guiding Light was extinguished from the airwaves and it died. My maternal grandmother died when she was 72 years old.

These ironic coincidences are another saddening factor in Guiding Light’s demise for me. While I had disagreements with the show since July 2009 and I was dissatisfied with many aspects of story lines, it is still sad to see it die. When I saw the words “The End” on the last episode, it really hit me that I will never see a new episode of Guiding Light again. It was a sobering moment to realize that an American institution is dead.

I mourn the loss of a show that played an important part of my childhood. I will especially miss old Guiding Light characters that I grew up watching. I will miss new characters that I enjoyed once I returned to the show. I will miss getting angry when the show did something to annoy me. I will miss feeling happy when the show did something I loved.

To everyone who was involved with Guiding Light over the decades, I want to simply say thank you. Good luck, God speed, and goodbye.

As you are aware, I decided to take a hiatus from writing Otalia posts. I realized early on that there wasn’t going to be much to write about until Jessica Leccia (Natalia Rivera) returned from maternity leave. I also had a deep suspicion that the Guiding Light writing team wouldn’t have a good story line for Crystal Chappell (Olivia Spencer) while Leccia was away. Unfortunately, I was right about that, too. I realized fans were going to see nothing but “broken Olivia,” which was downright unbearable. It was just far too depressing to watch “broken Olivia,” so I actually stopped watching shortly after I wrote this post. I decided to catch back up on the Otalia story once I knew Jessica Leccia would reappear on Guiding Light (August 17, 2009 episode).

For me, the week of August 17 on Guiding Light was a critical week. It would help me make my final decision on if I would continue to write about Otalia or quit. As I wrote in my July 26, 2009 post, I was leaning towards quitting. Nonetheless, I wanted to be sure because I was torn between continuing and quitting the Otalia posts. During my hiatus, I had time to figure things out (just like Natalia). I knew I wanted to quit as the weeks passed and I didn’t miss writing the posts. That internal tug of war I experienced went away, and I felt at peace with my decision to quit writing the Otalia posts. I also didn’t miss Otalia that much when I quit watching for a few weeks either. It helped that I managed to start de-investing myself from Otalia around the time I wrote this June 23, 2009 post. Despite my acceptance that I was quitting the Otalia posts, I wanted to be 100% sure I was doing the right thing. I would say I was 99% sure I wanted to quit for weeks; however, I wanted to wait for Jessica Leccia to return and see if I felt a spark of something. I wanted to know if there was something there…if there was something that would make me change my mind. I wanted know if I would magically get my Otalia writing mojo back; nothing is impossible. As a result, I watched Otalia closely, and I watched the week of August 17 very carefully. Did I feel a spark? To put it simply, yes…but there is a “but.”

So What’s the Deal?

I see the chemistry between Jessica Leccia and Crystal Chappell is still there. A blind person could see that; however, there are issues with the Otalia story line that troubles me. Allow me to explain.

Issue #1 – The “Frankenbaby”

There is no doubt that the “Frankenbaby” is real at this point. At the time, I wrote that I didn’t think Natalia was pregnant. Well, I was wrong. I just didn’t think the writers were honestly and truly going to make Natalia pregnant…you know, for real, for real. This whole “Frankenbaby” angle still makes no sense to me. I have issues about it that I will detail later, but I want to discuss one thing in particular.

There was an unspoken agreement between the show and fans. We were “asked” to ignore that Jessica Leccia was pregnant on screen when Guiding Light didn’t hide her pregnancy. As a fan, I did what the show “asked” of me because I stopped writing about how they weren’t hiding Leccia’s pregnancy (at times). However, the reality is that you couldn’t help but notice it because the show didn’t always succeed at hiding her pregnancy. I am mentioning Guiding Light not hiding Leccia’s pregnancy for a reason. That reason is simple: I was asked to ignore the pregnancy of obviously pregnant actress for months. However, Ellen Wheeler and Jill Lorie Hurst made Leccia’s character pregnant on Guiding Light right before she had a baby in real life. I just have to laugh at the ridiculous irony because it wasn’t worth getting angry over. Once I knew for sure that Natalia was carrying “Dr. FrankenCooper’s” baby, I knew that all logic had been tossed out the window.

Issue #2 – “Fembot Natalia” is Still Activated & Online

No one was happier than I was to see Natalia back on Guiding Light. However, my excitement at seeing Natalia was dampened by the fact that “fembot Natalia” is still present in the Otalia story. For me, it wasn’t so much what Natalia said on the August 18, 2009 and August 19, 2009 episodes. Yes, she said some dialog that didn’t make sense. Primarily, it’s what she didn’t say that bothered me the most. When “Dr. FrankenCooper” started talking about marriage, “my Natalia” should have disposed him of that notion immediately. Obviously, “fembot Natalia” was suppressing “my Natalia’s” vocal chords. When “fembot Natalia” did speak, she did say some things that puzzle me, mainly to Olivia. For the most part, I’m referring to Natalia’s explanations to Olivia on why she left. I was waiting to see if Natalia would have a good and reasonable explanation for going into “fembot Natalia” mode. I didn’t get that. I pretty much got the same dialog she said to Father Ray (the week of June 29, 2009). I’m sorry, but that just wasn’t good enough. Natalia should have had one helluva, logical explanation for not calling/texting/tweeting Olivia and taking off without a word. There wasn’t a deeper, hidden reason in her past that explained why Natalia ran off the way she did. Instead, I got recycled dialog from the week of June 29, 2009. Again, that wasn’t good enough for this Otalia fan, and that wasn’t a good enough explanation for Olivia either. I connect issue #2 with issue #1 – the “Frankenbaby” angle.

Issue #3 – Natalia’s Character Was Sacrificed on the “Altar of Bullshit”

I am still bothered how Natalia Rivera was sacrificed on the “altar of bullshit.” What is the “altar of bullshit” you ask? It refers to damaging (or destroying) a character – one that many loved, which includes me – and making them do or say illogical things for the sake of plot. That is what happened to Natalia’s character with this “Frankenbaby” angle. It was also the day “fembot Natalia” was activated and “my Natalia” went offline. I was hoping there would be a damn good reason why the Natalia character was damaged for this “Frankenbaby” angle. I don’t see one. I have my suspicions why the Natalia character was damaged. Ironically enough, many of those suspicions that I have, I wrote about in my special edition May 6, 2009 post.

Ultimately, I feel like Ellen Wheeler and Jill Lorie Hurst had no plan for writing Jessica Leccia off the show for her maternity leave. They had months to plan something far better (and more logical) than the “Frankenbaby” angle. In writing this pregnancy into the Otalia story, Wheeler and Hurst did major harm to a beloved character…for no logical reason. And let’s be honest here. The “Frankenbaby” is 100% illogical because I still do not see how Natalia wouldn’t have known she was pregnant a helluva lot sooner. She slept with Frank in February 2009, but she didn’t find out she was pregnant until the end of June 2009 (damn near into July). Ummm…do they think fans can’t count? Do they think we are not paying attention? Well, here is a breaking news alert. Many of us learned to count as pre-schoolers watching Sesame Street or The Electric Company. I mean, I distinctly remember Maria on Sesame Street teaching me to count to 10 in Spanish. I also distinctly remember the 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12 song (see this video) that helped me learn to count in The Electric Company. Therefore, since the fans did learn to count, we know the numbers just don’t add up. Nevertheless, it seems like Wheeler and Hurst wanted to torture the Otalia fans, unnecessarily, with more angst that is pointless. Once again, I connect issue #3 with issue #1 – the “Frankenbaby” angle.

Issue #4 – Otalia is Clearly Getting the “Nuke Treatment”

I know that many fans have been clamoring for the first mutual kiss between Olivia and Natalia. The lack of a kiss didn’t bother me much because I enjoyed the slow build up and increasing affectionate touches. You just don’t get many affectionate gestures between soap couples anymore. Otalia made me enjoy the affection, as they seemed to build up to a mutual kiss. I felt like Olivia and Natalia were heading to their first mutual kiss the week of June 8, 2009. I thought we were going to get a kiss soon, until the story deviated into the valley of depression and stayed there. The introduction of the “Frankenbaby” and the resulting angst has put a kiss so far out of orbit that it’s probably never going to happen. The “Frankenbaby” angle has also made me realize something else. Otalia is definitely getting the “Nuke treatment.” Let me explain what that is first.

• “Nuke treatment” – This is the unnecessary torture of gay or lesbian characters, particularly if fans like the couple. This also refers to unequal treatment of gay and lesbian characters that cannot kiss and experience the same level of intimacy (aka on screen sex scenes) as heterosexual characters. The Nuke treatment originated with the Luke and Noah characters (squish name is Nuke) on fellow Proctor & Gamble soap, As the World Turns. Despite Nuke’s popularity (early on), there seemed to be a ban on a kiss (after the first one) and a real (not implied) sex scene with the couple.

In the beginning, I was hoping that Otalia wasn’t going to get the “Nuke treatment.” Unlike Nuke, Otalia was written carefully and with realism for many, many months. Because Otalia’s story was told so beautifully (until “Frankenbaby”), I actually had some hope for intimacy just like any other soap couple. I felt like since this was 2009, Otalia would have equality like heterosexual couples. Unfortunately, even Otalia couldn’t escape the clutches of the “Nuke treatment.”

I see what’s going on here, and it honestly pisses me off. I don’t know who is responsible – The Powers That Be, CBS, etc. – for giving Otalia the “Nuke treatment,” but it is blatantly unfair. In my eyes, Otalia is just like any other soap couple, so they should be allowed be intimate…just like any other soap couple. Nevertheless, I have accepted that Otalia won’t be given equal treatment, and that is truly sad. Otalia was a story that pulled in heterosexual and homosexual fans. It opened many people’s eyes and made them see that love is love, no matter whom that person is. I view Otalia as a groundbreaking story because it did open minds and hearts on all forms of love. Unfortunately, it didn’t open some people’s minds and hearts enough to allow Otalia to rise above the “Nuke treatment.” I connect issue #4 with closed-minded people.

Issue #5 – Otalia was Rebooted to March/April 2009

When I watched the week of August 17, I realized that in many ways, Otalia was rebooted to March and April 2009. I heard similar dialog and saw similar actions that occurred when Natalia was going to marry Frank. In a couple of instances, Olivia’s dialog and actions was rebooted prior to April 2009. A perfect example of what I’m talking about is when Olivia said she was going to help Frank marry Natalia in the August 19, 2009 episode. This was oddly similar to what I’ve seen before when Frank and Natalia were together. Essentially, I am seeing recycled dialog and actions with Otalia. The story has been rebooted to certain points in Otalia’s earlier timeline, which is a shame and just plain distressing. When I saw the recycled material in Otalia the week of August 17, I actually started laughing. I laughed because it’s better than getting angry and annoyed. If anything, I saw the irony at play here; it was as clear as sunshine on a hot Florida day.

Otalia was refreshingly free and clear of recycled material. Many soaps recycle material from prior story lines to “tell new stories” that we’ve seen a hundred times with couples. Since Guiding Light is ending, I truly didn’t think Otalia would fall into the recycled material trap. The recycling of dialog and actions has spread like swine flu on other soaps. To see it affect Otalia just made me laugh and laugh heartily at that. Once again, I’m a long time soap fan who is very jaded. I get it. I understand what’s going on when it comes to soap writing, especially for super couples. I just can’t believe this is happening to a story line that’s ending in a few weeks. I connect issue #5 with the condition known as recycling rather than writing that infects the soap opera industry like the plague.

I see other issues with the Otalia story line that I won’t detail. Yet, I see enough issues that boggle my mind – all of which are problematic. It isn’t very inspiring for me, and it makes me glad that I de-invested myself from Otalia. I can watch this story line without raising my blood pressure and getting angered. It is what it is, and I have accepted that whatever happens just frakin happens. It’s sad, but that’s the way it is when I view Otalia right now.

Is There Any Good to Otalia Now?

I would be remiss to point out the good to Otalia now that Jessica Leccia is back, which leads me to my first good point.

The Good #1 – Jessica Leccia Back on My Screen

My love affair with Jessica Leccia’s facial expressions is well documented in my Otalia posts. I also grew to appreciate Leccia as an actress who blossomed in the role of Natalia Rivera. I knew I was going to miss her when she went on maternity leave. I just didn’t realize how much I missed her.

To be blunt, there was no Otalia without Jessica Leccia. That was “crystal” clear when I grew a bit disinterested in Otalia without having both Leccia and Chappell on my screen. Something was off whenever I saw Chappell as Olivia. Other than the story line for the Olivia character (99% of it that I didn’t like), I realized what was wrong. There was no Jessica Leccia. As the weeks passed, I found that absence definitely made my heart grow fonder for Leccia’s work as Natalia. Watching Chappell without Leccia was like being on a fast for a month. I couldn’t wait to stop fasting and eat some food!

When Leccia returned to Guiding Light on the August 17, 2009 episode, I smiled the entire time she was on my screen. Seriously, I think my face was frozen in a smile when I got my first fresh Leccia fix since July 2009. Sadly, I confess I resorted to watching old Otalia clips because I missed “my Natalia” so much. When I resorted to watching clips to see Leccia and reminisce over “my Natalia” to forget “fembot Natalia,” I knew what was going on. I knew beyond any doubt that I was closeted Team Dimples fan who’d finally come out of the closet.

Ever since the April 22, 2009 episode, I truly believe I was a closeted Team Dimples fan for many months. When I re-read a sample of my Otalia posts, I realized that I sometimes focused on Natalia’s growth after the love confession. Yes, I also discussed Olivia as well, but I feel like I was walking the path towards Team Dimples from the way I wrote about Natalia.

In all honesty, I love Jessica Leccia and Crystal Chappell as actresses equally. They have both been essential to this story line. Otalia does not work with either one of them, and Leccia and Chappell have been very dedicated in their roles. However, I have felt that Leccia has not received enough kudos and attention for her work in the role of Natalia Rivera. I noticed it and found that I didn’t like Leccia being overlooked by others. Therefore, to Jessica Leccia, I have the following to say to you.

Special Message to Jessica Leccia

You are great, and you are wonderful. I truly appreciate your work in the role of Natalia Rivera. I didn’t know how much I appreciated you until I couldn’t see you for a month on Guiding Light. If Crystal Chappell is the light bulb to the Otalia story, you are the filament. Without the filament, there is no light. That was completely evident to me without you. I missed you while you were on maternity leave. I sincerely appreciate you for coming back early and completing the Otalia story. I have to say that you did not deserve to have your character sacrificed on the “altar of bullshit” for the sake of plot. You deserved far better than that. I am angered on your behalf for the damage that was done to Natalia because of illogical plot. Nevertheless, now that you are back, the Otalia light bulb is shining its light again. Thank you for being so dedicated in the Natalia Rivera role. Know that I appreciate you, and you have a fan in me for life. Good luck on Venice, motherhood, and any endeavor that you do. If you can conceive it, you can achieve it. I will be watching and waiting for your star to rise and shine brighter than ever.

The Good #2 – Natalia is Chasing Olivia

Despite seeing traces of “fembot Natalia” with Leccia’s return, I finally saw an episode of Guiding Light where I got nothing but “my Natalia.” That episode was the August 21, 2009. Was this encouraging? Yes, it was encouraging. As of August 21, it appears that Natalia is going to do the chasing that I needed her to do (see my July 12, 2009 post). I loved seeing the only version of Natalia that matters and makes sense – “my Natalia” – for an entire episode. I am seeing the Natalia that refused to give up on Olivia back in the April 22, 2009 and April 23, 2009 episodes. Not only am I seeing old school Natalia, but she is doing something new that I found very interesting.

In the August 21, 2009 episode, I noticed Natalia seems to be on a path of expressing her love for Olivia in words and actions. If you’ve been reading my previous posts, I have discussed how Olivia and Natalia express their love for each other. To recap, Olivia doesn’t express her love for Natalia verbally (as much), but she shows it in her actions. Natalia expresses her love for Olivia verbally, but she doesn’t always show it in her actions. It seems like Natalia could be showing her love in actions and words to fix the rift with Olivia. This is something that I love seeing; however, I am concerned this won’t sustain.

I’m going to be honest here. I do not trust the writing for the Natalia character (or the Olivia character for that matter). I am watching this story on a day-to-day basis with the idea that what I see one day will not apply the next day. Believe me, it helps that I watch Otalia this way and with this mindset. I know that I am no longer watching a story that had a logical route down the freeway of love. I am now watching a story that detoured down the illogical dirt road back in July. As a result, I am fully prepared for another illogical schism in this story because I do not know if “fembot Natalia” is truly deactivated and offline. I cannot even say that I have hope that “my Natalia” is back for good. Of course, I want “my Natalia” on my screen from this point forward, but I learned long ago, it doesn’t matter what the fans want in the soap industry. Again, I watch it on a day-to-day basis with the idea that what I’m seeing today will change tomorrow.

The Good #3 – The Otalia Magic is Still There

Despite the unequal treatment and issues with the Otalia story, the magic is still there. When Natalia called out Olivia’s name and got her attention on the August 17, 2009 episode, I said, “good God!” aloud. Jessica Leccia’s first scenes with Crystal Chappell were like seeing Las Vegas lit up against the Nevada sky. The intensity and chemistry between these actresses is as strong as ever. Even when Natalia and Olivia argued, nothing could extinguish the fire. To this day, I feel like there is no other soap couple that radiates the kind of chemistry like Otalia. It is unfortunate Otalia will not get to express that chemistry through normal intimacy. I have a feeling a mutual kiss and a sex scene between Olivia and Natalia would make the fans reach for a cigarette. Even those of us who don’t smoke would need one.

The Good #4 – Olivia Isn’t Making it Easy for Natalia

I always hoped that Olivia wouldn’t make things easy for Natalia when she returned. Considering the circumstances of how Natalia left, Olivia should be difficult with Natalia. I want Olivia to make Natalia “beg for it” and keep Natalia coming after her. I see that Olivia is doing exactly what she should be doing. Yes, it’s a bit hard watching Olivia taking the hard line with someone as lovable as “my Natalia.” However, as Olivia said, “fembot Natalia” left her without a word. Olivia is hurt, and she is in “hard boiled egg” mode right now, which is completely understandable. I think Olivia will forgive Natalia, but for now, she is making Natalia go through hoops, as she should. Natalia didn’t trust in their love, so she’s going to have to work hard to repair the damage.

The Good #5 – Crystal Chappell is Putting Actors to Shame That “Phone it In”

Crystal Chappell has been signed to Days of Our Lives since June 2009. Unlike some actors who shall remain nameless, she isn’t “phoning it in” for the remainder of her time on Guiding Light. She is putting other actors to shame that leave for another show and “phone it in” while they wait to be written off. I’ll even take it one step further. Chappell is putting any soap actor that “phones it in” (for any reason) to shame. Her work on Guiding Light remains extraordinary. Chappell is showing me that she is an absolute professional by continuing to pull out performances that make you pay attention to everything she does. For any soap actor who thinks it’s okay to “phone it in,” look at Crystal Chappell and rethink what you’re doing. Chappell exemplifies professionalism and commitment as an actress. If Jessica Leccia is the filament, then Crystal Chappell is the light bulb in the Otalia story. To Crystal Chappell, I have to say the following:

Special Message to Crystal Chappell

Watching you act is like having Christmas every day. It is unbelievable what you can convey as the Olivia character with or without words. You have impressed me so much as Olivia that I think I will have a hard time watching you in another role. You endeared Olivia Spencer to me with your dedication to bringing this character to life. I appreciate you for putting your all into the Olivia character. Believe me, it is evident that you are committed as an actress, and I admire that kind of commitment. That said, you didn’t deserve the “broken Olivia” story line while Jessica Leccia was on maternity leave. You deserved better. However, despite the “broken Olivia” story line, I could see that you were committed to doing your job and doing it extraordinarily well. Just like “your Jessie,” you are one of my favorite actresses in daytime and primetime, period. Good luck in all that you do, and know that this fan for life is appreciative to the beauty you deliver on screen.

With All that Said, Do I Quit or Continue the Otalia Posts?

As I said earlier in this post, I felt a spark of something when Jessica Leccia returned, mostly because of the August 21, 2009 episode. However, it isn’t enough for me. I feel 100% certain that I will quit writing the Otalia posts. I am in jaded soap fan mode because of how the Otalia story has deviated into…whatever this is. If I continue to write about Otalia, I have a feeling most of my posts would pick apart why the dialog or story is illogical. I don’t want waste my time doing that cause it would essentially be the same post every week. Remember, the Otalia story is on an illogical path thanks to the “Frankenbaby” angle.

Additionally, as I stated earlier, I have de-invested myself from Otalia. I do not have the same love in my heart for Otalia that I had in June 2009 (and prior). Therefore, my commitment level to suffering pain (no sleep) to write these posts is not the same as it once was. I love Otalia pre-“Frankenbaby,” but I dislike nearly everything post-“Frankenbaby.” This post-“Frankenbaby” era of Otalia has been hard for me to watch, let alone analyze. I cannot commit myself to analyzing stuff that doesn’t make sense for Otalia posts.

I have to say that post-“Frankenbaby” era is painful to watch. I am tired of seeing strong female characters – Olivia and Natalia – crumble into weak and pathetic women. Again, they are getting the “Nuke treatment,” and that is a damn shame. At this point, I am only watching Otalia because of the respect I have for Crystal Chappell and Jessica Leccia. On a serious note, if it weren’t for the show going off the air in a few weeks, I would have quit Otalia. The writing for this couple has become disappointing, which is sad. Yes, it is possible to love a couple, but if the writing for them sucks, I will walk away. This jaded soap fan doesn’t accept just anything that soap writers throw at them. I will quit your show in a heartbeat if it’s bad. I am sticking with Otalia only for Leccia and Chappell. Despite my feelings for the writing, those two lovely actresses have never disappointed me. I am only still paying attention to Otalia because I love Leccia and Chappell’s work, so I can watch for a few more weeks.

Now that you know how I feel about Otalia, I think you can see why I am quitting the posts. In addition to all of that, I just don’t have much time right now. The 9-5 has me on a grueling schedule of 12-hour days, nearly every day for the next month. I do not have much time for myself, let alone time to write about a couple that has uninspiring writing. If the writing were good, I would try to make some time, somewhere to write an occasional Otalia post. Unfortunately, the writing for Otalia is not good. As of today, I am officially resigned from writing Otalia posts. It will take something absolutely extraordinary to bring me out of retirement. When I say extraordinary, it’s going to have to be something similar to what drove me to write about Otalia in the first place. In the past, that catalyst was the wedding and Otalia love confession back in April 2009. I seriously doubt something like that is on the horizon for Otalia, so I feel sure that I am retired for good.

But there is another “but” that I will explain shortly.

So What’s Next?

I have a few projects in the pipe, but I also wanted to address some other things that people have been asking me. I felt this was the perfect opportunity to address those questions.

Venice the Series

Some of you have asked me if I will write about Venice on Twitter. Venice is the web series that will star Crystal Chappell and Jessica Leccia. I have to say that right now, I am inclined to say I probably won’t. I do not know that much about Venice other than the bits of information that I see on Twitter. It’s hard to say you will write about something when you haven’t seen it. I am doubtful that I will write about Venice, but never say never. I will have to wait and see how I feel when the show airs.

Days of Our Lives

I have received a few tweets on Twitter asking me if I will write about Crystal Chappell’s story line on Days of Our Lives. I haven’t seen Chappell’s scenes as Dr. Carly Manning and won’t until September. Nevertheless, I seriously doubt I will write about her story line. I have concerns that the writing on Days of Our Lives isn’t going to be good enough for Chappell’s talent.

I was watching Days of Our Lives (January 2009) before Chappell announced she was returning. The writing on that show was mostly disastrous other than the writing for Safe (Sami and Rafe). Granted, I am behind on my Safe scenes on Days of Our Lives, but I am aware of what’s going on. My youngest brother is still watching, and he says the show’s writing is still good for Safe; the other stuff is not good. I trust my brother’s instincts since he knows what’s good and bad writing on soap operas, just like me. For Crystal Chappell’s sake, I hope the writing comes up to her level as an actress. She deserves better than what I have seen on Days of Our Lives. I would feel better if I knew whoever is writing for Safe is writing for Chappell.

Personal Projects – Novels & TV Series

I am mostly focusing my attention on personal projects. Writing about Otalia in addition to the necessary prep time (analysis of the footage) took up a lot of time. I was having a hard time trying to work on my own projects and write about Otalia. I have a neglected trilogy that I am itching to get back to writing. I also have another trilogy that I am outlining ideas for in my spare time. On top of that, I have a sequel for a finished novel to write. I also need to start pursuing a publishing deal again. I am a writer, and I love writing novels. If you think my Otalia posts are enjoyable, I feel like I really shine as a writer through my novels. It’s time I share my work with the rest of the world. To do that, I have to get back on the grind of pursuing a publishing deal. I know I am good at what I do. I just need to get someone to believe in me and take a chance. It will happen. It’s only a matter of time.

Other than my novels, I am working on developing a TV series of my own with my youngest brother. This project was totally accidental. It came out of the frustration that we see in soap operas and our desire to fix the craptastic writing if we had the chance. My youngest brother and I would always bounce ideas for story lines to fix the soaps we love. However, we know we’ll never be hired to write for daytime TV. As a result, we’re going to take our ideas and develop our own primetime series with soap opera elements. This format works for shows like True Blood. It will work for our show as well. This is an exciting project for both of us, and we are actively working on developing the series every week. Having to write a series is a new challenge for me, and I am enjoying it. We shall see what happens. We are working to recruit our film-making brother into the team; he writes scripts and wrote his own soap (and a very impressive one) when he was 11 years old. Obviously, this kind of thing is in our blood as siblings.

Otalia

As I stated earlier, I’m not quite done with Otalia. I have three more Otalia-related projects in the pipe. I am definitely going to finish my Otalia Jessica Leccia Edition. I will also write the Otalia Crystal Chappell Edition. Those would be my final Otalia posts. As for when they are coming, that’s a good question. As I said earlier, the 9-5 has me working 12 hour days (as a norm) for the next month. With everything that’s going on, it’s hard to find time to write about Otalia, let alone get enough sleep each night. I consider it low priority in comparison to all of my other writing projects. Nonetheless, I will work on those posts when I find the time.

I mentioned a third Otalia-related project. I don’t want to say anything much about it right now, but I am developing something that you will appreciate. I’m still working out the details, but you will know about it here. So, subscribe to my site’s RSS feed to stay informed.

Final Thoughts

Writing these posts has allowed me to grow as a writer. On a serious note, I didn’t know that I could analyze and write like this until I started writing about Otalia. I have my moments where even I am surprised about what comes out. Discovering that I had the ability to write this way was a pleasant surprise. I’m a person who loves to learn new things, and I definitely learned a lot writing about Otalia.

Just because I’m not writing about Otalia anymore doesn’t mean that I won’t talk about it. Since I am free from the constraints of my Otalia writing method, I can talk about Otalia on Twitter; however, I will remain spoiler free. If you want to, you can follow me on Twitter or subscribe to my FriendFeed account.

I want to say thank you to everyone who has read my Otalia posts. I keep saying that I appreciate your support, and I really do mean that. I hope you stick with me here on WriteTilt.com. You never know what else I am cooking up my sleeve. Thank you so much for your love and support!

Note: If you comment and choose to leave a spoiler, please identify it in advance with the word “spoiler,” or even separate it out to alert me that a spoiler is coming. I read everyone’s comments, but if I see the word “spoiler,” I stop reading at that point.

Hola Otalians,

I have been writing about the Otalia pairing on Guiding Light since April 20, 2009. As many of you are aware, the weekly grind of cranking out Otalia posts have been pleasurably painful. Unfortunately, I have gotten to a point where I am considering one of three options:

1. Continue writing about Otalia on a weekly basis as normal – This scenario is not likely.
2. Write about Otalia occasionally, when there is something significant to write about – This scenario is possible and likely.
3. Quit writing the Otalia posts forever – I have honestly leaned more towards this scenario as of late.

I thought I could write about Otalia to the very end, but for the past few weeks, I have had my doubts. Quite simply, I am tired and drained. As many of you are aware, my Otalia posts have become episodically longer every week. On average, the Otalia posts are 17 pages these days. That’s a lot of writing, but that part isn’t what’s the most time consuming. It’s the actual watching, re-watching, and analysis of the current week’s Otalia footage and past footage. These days, I end up spending more time studying archived footage of Otalia to conduct my weekly analysis. I have to baby step my way through new/archive footage sometimes to write the Otalia posts, which takes hours. This is one reason why my Otalia posts have been coming out on Sundays rather than Saturdays the past few weeks. I have a lot more stuff to watch than just the current week’s episodes. As many of you know, I come correct with my Otalia posts, or I don’t do it at all. There is no halfway with me when I write about Natalia Rivera (Jessica Leccia) and Olivia Spencer (Crystal Chappell).

I have lost sleep every Friday night to study footage and write the posts in marathon writing sessions through Saturday and lately, Sundays. I know many of you have been concerned about my lack of sleep to write the Otalia posts Friday nights. However, staying up all night isn’t the part of the process that is hardest for me. Before I ever started writing about Otalia, I typically stayed up all night on Friday. I was usually writing my novel(s), watching Fear Friday on AMC, or working on some web site project. Therefore, I have been accustomed to being up all night Friday. Nonetheless, I need a break…for a few weeks. I have been on this type of pacing for three months without fail. It hasn’t been easy. Writing the Otalia posts are mentally, physically, and even emotionally exhausting for me. I give so much of myself to write these posts the way that I do. I try to push myself to be better than I am each week. With the way things are, I am unsure if I can do that at the moment.

I have been very dedicated to bringing you the quality that you expect from my Otalia posts; however, I don’t want to give you (or myself) anything less than my best. Right now, I don’t feel like I can bring you that. While I don’t have to be inspired to write, it sure helps a lot. The current direction of the Otalia story is not inspiring to me. If anything, it concerns me. This “Frankenbaby” angle and associated angst is just absolutely illogical. I don’t want to waste my time writing about that right now. Considering how much time I spend writing these posts, I need to have my heart in it.  My heart just isn’t in the Otalia posts the way that I need it to be at this moment. I don’t want to “fake it just to make it” to the September 18 finish line, which is when Guiding Light ends. You don’t deserve that, and I don’t either.

So…what does that mean for the Otalia posts? Right now, it means that I am on hiatus for a couple of weeks…at least until Jessica Leccia returns to my screen. I am weighing my options on what to do about my Otalia posts. At this moment, I am torn between continuing writing about Otalia on a limited (non-weekly) basis or quitting them for good. Again, I have to say that I am definitely leaning more towards quitting. However, I also have my days where I feel like continuing the Otalia posts on a limited basis. It’s on those days where I feel like I still have something to say about Otalia. I have been seesawing between both options on a daily basis. Ultimately, I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I will take time during my hiatus to think about my options. Perhaps in a couple of weeks, I will find the fire, passion, and drive again. Or maybe I will know that it’s time to hang it up for good. I will say that if I decide to quit the Otalia posts, I want to go out on top. I would want to finish the Otalia Jessica Leccia Edition. As for the rumored Otalia Crystal Chappell Edition, that’s more of a maybe more so than a definite at this point. Nevertheless, I feel like I would like to do that one as well. While working on the Jessica Leccia post, I had already picked out some possible scenes to write about for the Otalia Crystal Chappell Edition. It’s up in the air, but at the very least, there would be the Otalia Jessica Leccia Edition.

For now, I’m just going to take a breather…and maybe sleep on Friday nights for a couple of weeks. I will still be watching Otalia on Guiding Light of course. I just want to make the right decision on what I want to do and really think it over the next few weeks. I hate this feeling of being torn regarding my Otalia posts. I think about what to do every day, several times a day. I feel like I have really crafted something magical with my Otalia posts, and I’d hate to give that up. On the other hand, I have other writing projects – novels, a series I’m developing with my brother, etc. – tugging for my attention. I am definitely torn in my own creative tug of war, and there is only one of me. I just need time to pull back and think, so that’s what I will be doing.

I want to say thank you to everyone for all of the support, feedback, comments, tweets, and emails you have left me over the past three months. It is truly heartwarming to have my work appreciated. I really, really bust my butt to write these posts (and other stuff here). After so many years of being “undiscovered,” it is extremely pleasant and humbling to have a large audience…at last! You have no idea how many years I have toiled (mostly in secret) and worked so hard to perfect my writing. It’s one thing to feel like you’re good at what you do, but it’s another story to hear that constant feedback from my readers. You guys rock, and I appreciate all of you. Thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart.

You will know if I’m back or not via a blog post here within a couple of weeks. For now, I’m on vacation, and I’m gone fishin’.

Sincerely,

SJD (aka The Hive Mind)

I got off to a late start watching Guiding Light episodes for the week of July 13. Because I had to put in mandatory overtime for the 9-5, I didn’t see any of the show until July 18. I then went into serious analysis mode for the week and attempted to write an Otalia post. I realized late last night (July 18) that there isn’t anything worth writing about…at least like one of my usual posts. So once again, I scrapped my regular Otalia post and started writing this one instead.

The Otalia week for July 13 did not advance the story line. All I got was more “broken Olivia” at the Bizzie (Bill & Lizzie) wedding and her associated scenes with Jeffery O’Neil’s death. I understand why Olivia was involved in scenes for the Bizzie wedding and Jeffery’s death. Nevertheless, I have to wonder if Jill Lorie Hurst and Ellen Wheeler even had a story line for Crystal Chappell while Jessica Leccia (Natalia) was on maternity leave. If their plan was to have Olivia cry over Natalia for four weeks, then this is going to get boring to me very fast. I’m fine with Olivia mixing it up with the cast, but she essentially did nothing but look broken, defeated, and depressed in every scene the week of July 13. This is not an angle or story line for Olivia. This crying and brokenness exhibited by Olivia is a holding pattern of dark melancholy until Natalia returns. As far as I’m concerned, Olivia didn’t have to be on Guiding Light as much as she was for the week of July 13. At the most, I can see her having scenes for the July 13 episode. However, her July 17 episode scenes could have been reduced. Here is why I say that.

The Bizzie Wedding + Olivia = Necessary Scenes

I can understand why Olivia was a part of the Bizzie wedding. Olivia was romantically involved with Bill, and Emma was the flower girl. Bill and Olivia are on good terms from everything I’ve seen, so it would make sense for her to be at the wedding. Aside from that, Olivia needed to be there for the reciting of the vows.

While Bill and Lizzie were reciting their vows, I felt like everything said could have been vows Olivia and Natalia would say to each other at their own wedding. Just switch out Lizzie and replace her with Natalia,  switch out Bill and replace him with Olivia, and these vows would be perfect.

Lizzie’s Slightly Modified Vows Spoken Through Natalia

“I love you. Wow…those words have become so much easier to say. There was this time in my life where I just chased after love….it’s all I wanted. Relationships were difficult…or painful, conflicted. Love wasn’t in the cards for me. And then like a miracle, you came into my life. And you, Olivia Spencer, make me feel special and safe and wanted and very strong. And it’s because of you that I understand real love now. It’s way better than all my dreams. And it’s…it’s just greater than any fantasy. I love you. Thank you for choosing me.”

Bill’s Slightly Modified Vows Spoken Through Olivia

“When I came back to Springfield, I was a woman who needed no one…but my family, friends…definitely not love. I thought I knew it all. And then you came into my world and turned it upside down. You, Natalia Rivera, make me crazy. Okay. You make me crazier than I have ever been. But you also make me happier than I ever, ever thought I could be. And because of you, you make me wanna be a better woman…the kind of woman you deserve. And it’s your love and your faith in me that has made me whole. And it’s also shown me that…I knew nothing until I found you. I need you. You are my best friend. You are the love of my life. And I love you more than I thought I could ever love anyone. Thank you for choosing me.”

I saw the way the camera panned to Olivia’s face when Bill was reciting his vows to Lizzie. Olivia was clearly thinking of Natalia. My instincts tell me Olivia was thinking those vows are things she would say to Natalia at their wedding. Although Olivia didn’t contribute much to the July 13 episode, having her at the wedding was fitting. In my ideal happy ending, the Bizzie vows and wedding is a foreshadowing of Olivia and Natalia’s happily ever after.

Aftermath of Jeffery’s Death + Olivia = Mostly Unnecessary Scenes

The July 17 episode of Guiding Light gave the impression that the Otalia story line would advance. Olivia was getting Emma ready for camp, and she snapped at her daughter over something trivial. As I watched the Olivia and Emma scenes, I thought that I was going to see something related to Otalia. Well, I guess I did get something related to Otalia…more “broken Olivia” huddled in her bed, crying, and clutching a photo of Natalia, Emma, and herself. Otherwise, Olivia’s scenes had nothing to do with the Otalia story line for the remainder of the episode. Instead, she was crying over Jeffrey’s death and moping with other characters quietly in her scenes.

First, let me say that I really don’t think Olivia was that broken up over Jeffrey’s death. Despite them having a decent relationship, she would not be that heartbroken that Jeffrey died. This man raped her as a teenager after all. Although she and Jeffrey were at a better place, there is no way Olivia would be that upset over his death. I personally feel that Olivia’s head was in such a bad place that she just isn’t thinking clearly. If “fembot Natalia” had not destroyed Olivia emotionally and mentally, she wouldn’t be as upset over Jeffrey’s death. I just don’t believe Olivia would be that hurt about Jeffrey dying. I really think the tears she was crying when Josh delivered the news were reactionary to more bad news in her depressed state. Olivia has had nothing but bad news since “fembot Natalia” replaced “my Natalia” the week of June 29. I believe her tears were more about Natalia than Jeffrey when she spoke with Josh in addition to the remainder of her crying scenes.

Logically, it makes sense for Josh to tell Olivia the news about Jeffrey. Olivia would have to tell Ava – her and Jeffrey’s daughter. Nevertheless, Olivia had no purpose for being in the majority of scenes she had for the July 17 episode. The only exception is when she called Ava from the farmhouse – her place of comfort – to deliver the news of Jeffrey’s death. Otherwise, I felt having Olivia involved in her other scenes just weren’t necessary. It felt like she was being used as a random character for the majority of the July 17 episode. Olivia was just there in scenes, looking depressed every single time, and saying nothing. For me, it was a waste of the character to have her looking broken and remaining silent in her other scenes. There is something called using characters appropriately in scenes. Olivia was misused in my opinion, especially since she’s such a major character. At a maximum, Olivia should have been on twice in the July 17 episode – the beginning and the end.

Final Thoughts

Watching “broken Olivia” is depressing. I understand she is broken because of this illogical “Frankenbaby” angle thanks to “fembot Natalia’s” illogical actions and dialog. However, this unnecessary angst is frustrating me and making me a bit hesitant to watch Guiding Light. I don’t want to watch “broken Olivia” look sullen and look like a wounded puppy the entire time while Natalia is off screen. If Olivia is going to be depressed, the writers should give her some sort of activity to help push her depression aside (at moments) and focus on that while Natalia is gone. A perfect example would have been having her help Rafe out of some trouble. It looked like they could have been heading in this direction when Rafe met up with James Spaulding several weeks ago. For those who are aware, James is the epitome of trouble, and he could have easily set up Rafe in some scheme of his. This type of angle in the Otalia story line would have given Olivia something to focus on other than her depression over Natalia. Olivia could have been the strong parental figure Rafe needed while helping him get out James-related trouble. When Natalia returned, she would have one less thing to worry about dealing with – assuming Rafe would come around after Olivia’s help. Alas, something like that would have made too much sense in the illogical path Guiding Light has taken with Otalia. Other than a brief “Rafertude” where Rafe took a verbal shot at Olivia during the Bizzie wedding, there has been no interaction with Olivia and Rafe. Based on the upcoming previews, it seems like Rafe and Olivia will interact some, but I am expecting nothing but “Rafertudes.”

As this “Frankenbaby” angle unfolds, it is starting to look like Jill Lorie Hurst and Ellen Wheeler did not have a good story line for Olivia either. Once again, I have to wonder why that is. I’m sure Jessica Leccia gave them plenty of notice when she found out she was pregnant. As I said in last week’s post, there was plenty of time to write off the Natalia character properly. There was also plenty of time to write something for the Olivia character aside from “broken Olivia.”

The cynical soap fan in me is wondering if the writing for Guiding Light is in “I give up” mode. It’s starting to look like realization set in that Guiding Light would not be picked up, and the fallout from it is being reflected in the writing. To me, the writing started taking a dark, depressive turn when Phillip Spaulding found out he was dying. Another key indicator was when Olivia looked so shattered during the Bauer BBQ thanks to “fembot Natalia.” At this point, the writing seems to mostly be going through the motions (via autopilot) until the show ends September 18. Who knows? The writing could pick back up again, but I’m starting to have my doubts. The stuff going on right now with Otalia is why I always had the faith of a mustard seed in Jill Lorie Hurst and Ellen Wheeler. Again, I’m not surprised that Otalia derailed. I’m a long time soap fan who sees this kind of thing happen with all couples I love. However, it is disappointing to me the more I see what’s happening (or not happening) with the Otalia story line. This story line was nearly flawless, and I hate to see it flame out the way it has with this stupid “Frankenbaby” angle.

Perhaps next week’s Guiding Light episodes will give me something other than “broken Olivia,” but at this point, I’m not expecting anything to change. Right now, the Otalia story line is on the “fail bus” because of this “Frankenbaby” angle. I hope Otalia can get off at the bus stop and hop on the “win bus” by giving the fans a happy ending. If the writers give me “my Natalia” back, write like your life depends on it (my personal motto), and do everything I suggested (and more), I would be satisfied. Will I get that? I don’t know. I will just have to wait and see.

Note: If you comment and choose to leave a spoiler, please identify it in advance with the word “spoiler,” or even separate it out to alert me that a spoiler is coming. I read everyone’s comments, but if I see the word “spoiler,” I stop reading at that point. Again, I have my process to make the magic happen with these Otalia posts. Thanks everyone for your continued love and support!

I watched Otalia derail the week of June 29, and as many of you know, I wasn’t pleased when the July 3 episode concluded. This pregnancy angle, which involves Natalia carrying Frank Cooper’s “Frankenbaby,” is problematic in execution. To reiterate, the Natalia Rivera I have watched grow over the past several months would not treat Olivia the way that she has. Therefore, I had concerns with how the Otalia story line would progress the week of July 6. I expected to see a broken Olivia Spencer over Natalia’s illogical behavior and I got that – in the form of depressive angst.

The July 7 episode opened with Olivia huddled in a chair looking dazed, confused, and melancholy. To say that that “broken Olivia” is different from “happy Olivia” is an understatement. After awaking Emma, Olivia’s interactions with her daughter were practically lifeless. It was even difficult for Olivia to answer Emma’s questions about Natalia’s absence from the Bauer BBQ. It was very evident that Olivia was distraught over Natalia, yet she was trying to keep it together for Emma. Fortunately, Olivia was spared having to answer more questions from Emma when Jane (who should be fired) arrived. After confirming Jane could stay late with Emma, Olivia started her quest – the search for Natalia.

Olivia tried calling Natalia outside of The Beacon, and of course, she didn’t answer. As she left a message, I got the impression Olivia had given Natalia as much space as she could handle. Based on Olivia’s words, I felt she was angered by Natalia’s behavior. To me, it explains why Olivia said she was afraid of the words that would come out of her mouth. Natalia knew how important the Bauer BBQ was to Olivia. It would have been their first “official” date, and they were coming out to their friends and associates. Alas, Natalia stood her up and sent Blake to tell Olivia that she wasn’t coming. Despite Olivia’s piercing pain, her anger towards Natalia makes absolute sense. She would be angered at Natalia, but she wouldn’t want to fly off the handle and say something cutting to her. I think Olivia wanted to have a cooler head when calling Natalia, which explains why she waited until the next morning. It was evident that Olivia was trying to remain calm yet slightly optimistic when she left Natalia a voicemail. Nevertheless, this situation with Natalia was eating at Olivia based on the alternating expressions of worry, sadness, hurt, and frustration. As a result, I expected her to be “impatient Olivia” and head to the farmhouse, which she did.

Olivia’s behavior when she arrived at the farmhouse indicated someone experiencing a rising tide of desperation. She knocked on the door, called out Natalia’s name, and looked through the windows to see if Natalia was inside. In conjunction with desperation, Olivia’s fear and worry started building inside of her, which she expressed on her face. As Olivia stood outside the farmhouse, she called Natalia on the phone again and left another message.

Olivia’s worry sent her to the Springfield Police Department to file a missing person’s report, and unfortunately, she ended up dealing with Frank and his “Rafertude.”

Olivia: “We were going to be there…together.” Frank: “Oh, got it. Well, maybe there’s your answer. Maybe she ah…maybe she got cold feet.” Olivia: “No, Frank, she would have told me, okay. We planned this together. I wasn’t pushing her. She knows that whatever she’s feeling, she can be honest with me.”

Here we go with some problematic dialog because of this illogical pregnancy angle. I agreed with everything Olivia said to Frank. Logically, her dialog makes sense based on pre-“Frankenbaby” era. It just makes Natalia look bad, and Olivia’s dialog proves the Natalia I saw the week of June 29 was not “my Natalia.” Ellen Wheeler and Jill Lorie Hurst replaced “my Natalia” with “fembot Natalia.” Let me give you a quick definition of these terms.

• “My Natalia” – This is the Natalia Rivera that fans have watch evolve and grow stronger through Olivia’s love. This version of Natalia trusts Olivia with her life as she said in the February 16, 2009 episode. This version of Natalia “knows what it means to tell someone they love them” as she said in the April 22, 3009 episode. “My Natalia” “test all things and hold fast to that which is good” as she said in the May 19, 2009 episode.
• “Fembot Natalia” – This is the Natalia Rivera that provided fans with illogical behavior and dialog the week of June 29. This version of Natalia is someone I do not know and have never seen before. This version of Natalia staked Olivia through the heart with her inexplicable behavior. This version of Natalia seems to have been created (in haste) just to write Jessica Leccia off the show for maternity leave. “Fembot Natalia” confides in Father Ray and Blake Marler about a serious issue but not Olivia. Boo! Just…BOOOOOO!

“Fembot Natalia” would not be honest with Olivia, and she would run away without speaking to her. “My Natalia” would do exactly what Olivia said in her dialog with Frank.

Frank: “Right up until the wedding, she let me know that she wanted to be married…but I’m sure it’s not the same thing.” Olivia: “It’s not the same thing, Frank. Cause when she changed her mind about marrying you, she didn’t just disappear on you. Okay, she told you. It’s been almost 24 hours. I haven’t gotten a call…no messages. And her house is sitting empty. That’s not like her.”

My mind was screaming out “exactly!” when Olivia spoke this dialog with Frank. At the very least, “my Natalia” would send Olivia some kind of message. A simple, “I know you might be worried. I just need time alone. I love you.” message from Natalia via email, text, or tweet is sufficient. “My Natalia” would do that, but we’re dealing with “fembot Natalia.” I guess “fembot Natalia” doesn’t care that a message through Blake and Father Ray is insufficient and impersonal. “My Natalia” would at least do something to provide Olivia with some temporary comfort while she’s away.

As Olivia explained the circumstances to Frank, I let out another long sigh. Having Frank Cooper still involved in the Otalia story line is tiresome and frustrating. I understand he’s on the fringes of Natalia’s life because Rafe is staying with him. I even enjoyed his interactions with Olivia while they were picking out a birthday card for Rafe a few weeks ago. Logically, I understand Frank’s “Rafertude” when interacting with Olivia and to a lesser degree, Natalia. However, I’m to a point where Frank needs to be helpful to this story line, or he needs to go away. Frank can solve cases, intrude in Marina and Mallet’s life, or better yet, find some hot chick to hook up with. I really don’t care what Frank does. I just want him away from Olivia and Natalia, especially if he isn’t going to contribute anything other than “Rafertudes” and “Frankenclipses” to this story line. Of course, what I want doesn’t matter because Frank is here to stay…at least until they resolve this ridiculous “Frankenbaby” pregnancy angle with Natalia.

After leaving the police station, Olivia continued her own search for Natalia at the second most logical place – the church. As she left and looked more desperately worried with each passing minute, Olivia ran into Father Ray. She explained that she was looking for Natalia, and Father Ray fed frustrating nuggets of information to Olivia.

Olivia: “Was-was she okay?” Father Ray: “No, she wasn’t. She was really upset.” Olivia: “Well what did she say?…Was she okay? Was she hurt? If you could just tell me where she is, I-I wanna see her.” Father Ray: “Natalia asked me not to tell you that.” Olivia: “Natalia told me not to tell me where she is? No. No, I don’t believe that. Why would she confide in you and not tell me?”

At this point of Father Ray and Olivia’s dialog, my mind was spinning with frustration and a bit of sadness. “Fembot Natalia” has really done some damage to “broken Olivia” by not talking to her before cutting town. From a purely logical viewpoint, this just doesn’t fly with me. It makes no sense. Again, Natalia should have at least communicated something to Olivia. Goodness, I would like to hope “fembot Natalia” knows how to email, text, or tweet. I really dislike how other characters – Blake and Father Ray –  are left to explain Natalia’s disappearance to Olivia. However, I’m a long-term soap fan that understands this is angst for a super couple. It’s just illogical, dumb, and pointless angst based on this illogical pregnancy angle.

Father Ray: “Olivia, I can’t betray that confidence. I can tell you that she’s conflicted.” Natalia: “About me?” Father Ray: “About a lot of things…I suggested a retreat where she should go reflect.” Olivia: “So, she just took off and didn’t tell me anything?”

Olivia is once again proving through her dialog that “my Natalia” would not behave the way she has. There is no way that “my Natalia” is conflicted about her feelings for Olivia. It’s just not possible based on all of Natalia’s talks (pre-“Frankenbaby” era) with Father Ray whenever Olivia was discussed. Naturally, Father Ray would give Olivia that impression because of how he feels about them, but he also spoke with “fembot Natalia” on the July 3 episode.

As for Natalia taking off without telling Olivia, I could see it for what it was. It was just more buildup for illogical angst with this pregnancy angle. All it did was give me more “broken Olivia” in the July 7 episode.

When Olivia stalked away from Father Ray, she sat in her car and called Phillip Spaulding. I guess Phillip was as surprised as I was when she called him. His first reaction was to ask if Emma was all right. As Olivia explained that she needed someone to drive her home, I admit I was slightly confused. I found Olivia’s choice to call Phillip odd. I felt Olivia would have called her frenemy – Doris Wolfe. That is who Olivia has always turned to whenever the “fear monster” crept up inside her (regarding Natalia). I get the feeling that the writers are probably trying to engage Phillip with Olivia more. Nevertheless, I just don’t think Phillip would have been Olivia’s first choice. Olivia and Phillip are on friendlier terms, but they aren’t that close. Olivia would have called Doris. I feel like Phillip would have been her last choice, not her first choice.

Phillip found Olivia at the church waiting for him. She explained “fembot Natalia’s” inexplicable behavior to him and shed a few tears. Once again, I shook my head because the damage “fembot Natalia” has done just grew worse. When “broken Olivia” returned to the farmhouse, she sat down on the bench to write Natalia a note. “Broken Olivia” finally released her built up angst and frustration by hurling the note and her purse at Natalia’s front door. She collapsed on the doorstep and broke down into heartbroken tears. When I watched this farmhouse scene, I had one thought: Jill Lorie Hurst is going to have do something major (if it’s possible) to fix this. Why? Because I grew to love the Natalia character so much in recent months. I have watched “my Natalia” evolve from a caterpillar into a butterfly. She was getting ready to take her most important flight as a butterfly. Natalia was “so done with waiting”…and then “fembot Natalia” shows up. I am to a point where I do not like the Natalia character for what she has done to Olivia. I never thought I would feel that way, but as this pregnancy angle unfolds, it makes Natalia look really bad.

Despite all that “fembot Natalia” has done, Olivia refused to stop searching for her. On the July 9 episode, she and Doris decided to take a road trip to seek out every Catholic retreat in the area. A blind person could see that Doris and Olivia’s (now known as “Dorlivia” for my purposes) road trip was the Guiding Light’s version of Thelma & Louise. Typically, I get concerned when soap operas try to borrow from movies. It usually ends up cheesy and awful (i.e. the Titanic angle on Passions) when soaps try this. However, Guiding Light pulled it off in a way that wasn’t cringe-worthy. In fact, Doris managed to make this depressive angst bearable (for a few moments) while they prepared to leave Springfield. She provided some brightness in the “Frankenbaby” era of Otalia. However, there was one Dorlivia scene that made me sigh and wince though.

While Dorlivia was sitting in the car, Doris pointed out that their route would take them to Oakdale. She mentioned the diner (formerly known as Al’s Diner) and possibly moving to Oakdale after her term as major ends in Springfield. For those fans that are unaware, Oakdale is the imaginary city setting for sister Proctor & Gamble (P&G) soap, As the World Turns. It’s likely that some fans would have found Doris’ dialog about Oakdale funny and a shout out to a fellow P&G soap opera. To be honest, I was not amused by it. If anything, it reminded me that a lesser quality soap (As the World Turns) would still be on the air while a superior soap (Guiding Light) was ending in September. It was a reminder that I really didn’t need or want. I also felt this was a sign that Doris’ character could possibly be sent to As the World Turns. Finally, I thought it was a not so subtle sign of telling Guiding Light fans that we should watch As the World Turns. I’m sorry but…BOO!

My suspicious mind went into immediate reasons behind Doris’ dialog. As the World Turns is in the same death spiral Guiding Light was in more than a year ago. Even though I wasn’t watching Guiding Light then, I heard about its problems via soap podcasts. In fact, I predict As the World Turns will face the “improve the ratings or die” treatment Guiding Light received. In the end, I can believe this was a call for fans to watch As the World Turns and to help improve the ratings. If P&G thinks Guiding Light fans are going to watch As the World Turns before or after September, I highly doubt it. All anyone has to do is watch As the World Turns for a week (if you can stand it) and see it cannot touch Guiding Light (imperfections and all). The writing on As the World Turns is in the toilet and has been for years; however, the writing has crept down into sewage territory over recent months. I’ve seen the show recently; it’s unbearable. As I have often said, I am a jaded soap fan. The “on life support soap fan” in me just wasn’t into this reference to As the World Turns on Guiding Light. Writers: don’t talk to me about chuck beef when I’m enjoying filet mignon. Even though my filet mignon wasn’t prepared properly, it’s always better than chuck beef.

When Dorlivia got the conversation back on track, they discussed “fembot Natalia.” Olivia was trying to figure out what she was going to say, and I caught something in Olivia’s dialog with Doris that puzzled and confused me.

Doris: “How can you do that? You don’t even know why she left.” Olivia: “It doesn’t matter why she left. I have to remind her that we’re not running from these things anymore. Whatever problems we have, we’ll deal with them together.”

It does matter why Natalia left. If it didn’t matter, Olivia wouldn’t be searching for her in desperate frustration. I would not be seeing “broken Olivia” if it didn’t matter why Natalia left. This is the part of her dialog with Doris that just didn’t make sense to me. Perhaps…I guess Olivia is trying to say that she just wants to get past it and sort things out with Natalia. Nevertheless, it does matter why Natalia left, and it was the only thing I found to be illogical in Olivia’s dialog.

Doris: “It’s just that you two spent so long denying that you were together.” Olivia: “I know. You know what? If that’s the issue, then we’ll deal with it.”

All right, Guiding Light…I had one of those “what the frak?” moments with this dialog. This issue has already been resolved for Natalia. For goodness sakes, even Olivia pointed out in the July 9 episode that they have “dealt with these things.” Like Olivia, Natalia was in denial over her romantic feelings for months (January 2009-April 2009 episodes). Natalia woke up before it was too late and admitted her feelings to Olivia (April 17, 2009 episode). Even after the love confession, Olivia tried to back away and make Natalia see that there couldn’t be an “us” for them (April 22, 2009 and April 23, 2009 episodes). Natalia took the time to figure out where she was with Olivia and if they would be together (May 5, 2009, May 6, 2009, and May 11, 2009 episodes). Natalia reconciled her romantic feelings with her faith as well as her comfort in being with Olivia (May 19, 2009 and May 20, 2009 episodes). I could go on, but I think you’re getting the picture here. The point is that Natalia would not be feeling this way, not now. It’s illogical dialog, and once again, I point the finger at this irrational pregnancy angle.

Dorlivia continued discussing Natalia, and the more I heard, it increased my feelings that “fembot Natalia” is really problematic…very much so. I feel far more sympathy for Olivia than I do for Natalia right now. In fact, I have no sympathy for Natalia at this point of the story line. I don’t blame “my Natalia” for this. I blame “fembot Natalia” and the way this pregnancy angle was written. Once again, I feel like the writing was not carefully thought out for this phase of Otalia. If Jill Lorie Hurst and Ellen Wheeler were going to do this pregnancy angle, then they did it wrong in my opinion. The writing is making me feel illogical anger that I shouldn’t feel with Natalia. “My Natalia” wouldn’t behave this way. To reiterate what I said in last week’s post, Natalia would have told Olivia everything and then left if she needed time alone. I should feel sympathetic towards Olivia and Natalia if “my Natalia” had talked to Olivia before leaving. Instead, my sympathy is building towards Olivia, and I actually dislike Natalia for hurting Olivia this way. I don’t want to feel this way about Natalia, but this writing is pulling out these feelings, which is truly sad.

After stopping at several retreats along the way, Olivia ended up at yet another retreat and spoke with a nun. The nun refused to give Olivia any information, despite her pleas. As Olivia’s desperate frustration built up, I actually did manage to crack a smile and chuckle during her exchange with the nun.

Olivia: “Look, what if I told you she’s in pain, that she’s suffering. And that God himself sent me here to alleviate that pain, to show her the way because it’s true.” Nun: “My child…I’ve seen many angels. The Lord is telling me you are not one of them.”

Olivia is definitely no angel as the nun said; however, she has been guided onto a path of goodness because of “my Natalia.” Olivia has changed in a remarkable fashion over several months. Olivia has softened her rough edges because of “my Natalia.” She has become self-sacrificing in so many ways, and she has put Natalia before herself. She worked out a deal with the governor to have Rafe moved to a better, less violent prison. She even volunteered at the church to help Natalia bake cookies when the cookie committee didn’t show up. Olivia has expressed numerous acts of love for “my Natalia,” which has made her a good person. These are among the many reasons why Olivia doesn’t deserve what “fembot Natalia” has done to her.

Before leaving the retreat, Olivia released another desperate frustration burst in the form of raw emotion. When Olivia ran back to the car, she sat with Doris for a bit and explained what happened. I could see that Olivia was at her whit’s end. She was angry, and the frustration was cresting inside her. It has been building up inside her since “fembot Natalia” left. When Doris asked her what she was going to do, Olivia got out of the car and ran back to the retreat’s door. This time, Doris followed her because she knew the volcano was rumbling and ready to explode. The nun refused to let her inside again. Olivia wasn’t having it and exploded at last. As Olivia ran back down the stairs, she started calling out Natalia’s name and pleaded with her.

Olivia: “Natalia, Natalia! I know you can hear me…even if you’re not here, I know you can…because I love you! And you love me! When two people love each other like this, they shouldn’t be kept apart! And it’s confusing and it’s not easy. But nothing ever worthwhile is. You come down here and let me talk to you! You let me make you understand! Natalia!”

BEGIN ALERT. I’m going to have to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to say this. I hope to God Natalia wasn’t inside that particular retreat. If she was and ignored Olivia…heaven help her. Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming. END ALERT.

Mount Olivia erupted with angst, love, pain, and hurt. In addition to hearing it in Olivia’s words, I could clearly see it in her facial expressions and her body language. The emotional side of me recognized that this scene was powerful and intense because of the angst. The logical side of me recognized this scene had illogical angst. As powerful as it was, this angst is coming from an illogical place – the pregnancy angle. I enjoy angst when it makes sense to a story line. Olivia and Natalia were going through the good kind of angst from January 2009-April 2009. I enjoyed the angst because it was logical to the story line at that time. They were figuring out their feelings for each other yet denying those feelings. The pre-love confession angst succeeded because it was truthful to the characters and the story. The “Frankenbaby” era angst…well, it’s just not enjoyable to me at all. Nearly everything Olivia is feeling and emoting shouldn’t be occurring, but I blame it on “fembot Natalia.” This “Frankenbaby” angst only makes me shake my head and sigh more and more. It only strengthens my feelings that this story line took a wrong turn, and it continued down the wrong course the week of July 6.

In the final scenes of the week, Olivia decided to abort the Dorlivia road trip. Olivia had a defeated expression on her face, and I could hear the weariness in her voice. Doris seemed surprised that Olivia wanted to give up the search. However, Olivia realized that Natalia doesn’t want to be found. I agreed with Olivia when she told Doris that Natalia pushed her away. In the end, Olivia set the car in motion and headed back towards Springfield.

Final Thoughts

As I watched the Otalia story line progress this week, I felt glad that I started to distance myself emotionally weeks ago. I spend most of my time shaking my head and sighing as I watch Otalia now. When I watch this pregnancy angle and the “Frankenbaby” angst, I know I’m going to get illogical pieces that’s complicating the Otalia jigsaw puzzle. I’m mentally prepared for it, and subconsciously, I’ve been prepared for it all along. I’m a long time soap fan, so I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop on any story line. In the case of this pregnancy angle, Otalia fans had a heavier object than a Frisbee thrown upside their heads.

I realize this pregnancy angle still has to be play out to completion. The more I watch it, the more I dislike it. I dislike it mainly because of the character damage I continue to see with Natalia. “Fembot Natalia” is a train wreck that’s still causing collateral damage. At this point, I’m not sure if “my Natalia” can fix the issues with the remaining time Guiding Light has. All I know is that Natalia better have one helluva grand gesture in store for Olivia.

With the way this story line is progressing, Natalia is going to have to fight like hell to win Olivia back. I have talked about how the pendulum swings between Natalia and Olivia in terms of who is chasing whom. For the remainder of this story line, it is only logical that Natalia should chase Olivia. As far as I’m concerned, Olivia is “so done with chasing.” It is only fitting considering how everything has unfolded at this point of the pregnancy angle. In my opinion, Natalia is going to have to be extremely aggressive in chasing Olivia and winning her back. I’m going to need the Natalia in these episodes (x2) in how she chases and deals with Olivia.

February 24, 2009 Episode

Remove Frank in the sex scene, replace him with Olivia, and remove the “worst sex ever” expression in the afterglow. I need that aggressive streak Natalia had with Frank but on a higher intensity level with Olivia. Natalia needs to bring that Latina heat…and speak in Spanish when she does it.

March 26, 2009 Episode

This is the episode where Natalia almost kissed Olivia by going with her emotions. Natalia should be the one to initiate their first mutual kiss. As far as I’m concerned, there is no reason for Olivia to initiate the first kiss at this point. In fact, Olivia shouldn’t initiate the first mutual kiss at all. I feel like Natalia has to do the chasing, so her initiation of the mutual kiss is absolutely logical to me.

April 6, 2009 Episode

I need Natalia to look at Olivia the way she did in the mirror scene when she comes back. I need Natalia to make Olivia’s heart turn over as she did mine when I watched that powerful scene. I know Natalia is not expressive in her love like Olivia through facial expressions. Nevertheless, this scene showed me that Natalia is capable of it. Give that to me, Natalia.

April 22, 2009 & April 23, 2009 Episodes

I need Natalia to make Olivia hear her like she did in these episodes. She made Olivia see that she knows what she was getting herself into when she admitted her feelings. She needs to have that same resolve but even more so than ever.

May 19, 2009 & May 20, 2009 Episodes

When Natalia returns, I need her to be just as comfortable in her love, affection, and touches with Olivia in these episodes. Of course, she has to fix things between them, but I need this Natalia back.

June 11, 2009 Episode

I need the Natalia back who was drinking shots at the bar. She was trying to relate with Rafe while he was struggling through his post-prison adjustment phase. This Natalia was fun in a way I’d never seen her before. Plus, she didn’t give up on her son, no matter how many times he pushed her away. I’m going to need this Natalia in this episode. She will need to be just as determined if Olivia pushes her away upon her return.

June 12, 2009 Episode

I need Natalia to touch Olivia the same way she did in this episode but even more so. I also need her to show more of that sensual side as she held up the champagne glass to Olivia’s lips. Surprise me, Natalia. Show me the heat. Show me the fire. I saw the flames you generated in this episode. Give me more. Make Olivia want you by seducing her. Your innocence and innocent touches already lights up Olivia like 4^th of July fireworks. Trust me, it won’t take much, but go all the way out, Natalia. Blake will show you what kind of lingerie you need if you want help. Drink shots if you have to loosen up. Stoke the fire and set off the smoke detectors when you seduce Olivia. Just do it. Don’t let anyone into the farmhouse while you’re doing it…even if the cops come knockin’.

What I wrote is wishful thinking of course; however, I don’t feel that I’m wrong. These are some things I feel that need to be done to repair and to fix “fembot Natalia’s” damage to “my Natalia.” My only concern is the amount of time left for Guiding Light, which means less time to give me “my Natalia” back.

At this point, I’m 99% certain that Natalia is not pregnant with a “Frankenbaby.” The “Frankenbaby” is not my main concern at this point though. I’m more concerned about the “fembot Natalia” that was written into this storyline. It is causing more of an issue for me than the “Frankenbaby.” Ellen Wheeler and Jill Lorie Hurst, I have the following to say to you:

Please tell me that “my Natalia” is hidden in Company’s basement. Please tell me that “Dr. FrankenCooper” created “fembot Natalia” in his lab and replaced “my Natalia” with her. All I know is that I need “my Natalia” to return in a few weeks. Free Natalia!

That’s all.

Special Announcements

• I have updated my status on the Otalia Jessica Leccia Edition. Be sure to read it.
• If you missed it, be sure to read my Reflections of a Soap Fan blog post. I talked about the Crystal Chappell announcement, Otalia posts, and my feelings on soap operas. If you are confused why I feel about soaps the way I do, that post will clear everything up.