I’ve caught on to how Guiding Light swings the pendulum for Otalia; therefore, I was (somewhat) mentally prepared for this week’s episodes. I am extremely grateful I had a beautiful Otalia experience the week of June 8 because I knew the week of June 15 was going to be a painful Otalia experience. As many of you know, I don’t read spoilers because I must maintain a “pure” Otalia experience to write these posts, but I was going with my instincts. I knew the writers would dip this roller coaster ride down into a deep valley of depression, and I knew there would be few lighthearted, smile-inducing moments. As predicted, I was right.

The June 15 episode picked up right after Rafe called his mother, Natalia, out over her interactions with Olivia from the June 12, 2009 episode. At the end of the June 12 episode, I felt Natalia knew Rafe spotted the intimacy between her and Olivia. In the beginning of the June 15 episode, I thought Natalia was trying to play the denial card with Rafe. Deep down, I think she knew he suspected the truth, but I felt Natalia was hoping he didn’t know about Olivia yet. When he asked, again, what was going on, Natalia’s replied that they were getting ready for dinner. Albeit true, that wasn’t all Natalia and Olivia were doing before Rafe’s outburst over their intimate behavior. Olivia decided to play along with Natalia’s denial response by agreeing they were preparing for his celebratory dinner. Rafe responded by snapping at Olivia with a bit of “Rafertude.” Natalia immediately addressed it by demanding he stop speaking to Olivia in a bad tone of voice. However, Rafe was building up to a full-blown “Rafertude” when he fired back at Natalia about how she raised him to adhere to the Bible and Catholic church’s teachings. After Rafe demanded an explanation once more, Natalia finally admitted to herself that he was clued in on her romantic relationship with Olivia.

I observed Olivia’s facial expression as Natalia told Rafe she didn’t want him to find out the way he did. I felt like she was recalling a discussion she had with Natalia on the April 22, 2009 episode. Right after they confessed their love for each other, Olivia tried to make Natalia see the consequences of pursuing a romantic relationship. On the April 22 episode, Olivia told Natalia that pure hell would come for the both of them. As Olivia indicated back then, she had time to think about the obstacles and issues they would face as a couple. In the June 15 episode, I felt Olivia was seeing the reaction from Rafe she’d probably imagined from the April 22 episode. However, like Natalia, I’m sure Olivia thought they would be able to tell Rafe together and hope for a less freaked out response. I then turned my attention to Natalia’s face after studying Olivia’s expression. I felt she was experiencing a bit of regret by not listening to Olivia’s suggestion to tell Rafe sooner. Olivia, of course, has been pushing to be out of the closet for a few weeks. Natalia wanted to wait until Rafe adjusted, which I could understand. On the other hand, as Olivia indicated on the June 2, 2009 episode, Rafe cannot be coddled forever. Olivia and Natalia were having a hard time restraining their natural inclinations to touch each other and they were caught. If Rafe had been told earlier, perhaps they could have avoided this type of confrontation from him. I felt these were some of the thoughts running through Natalia’s head as she watched her son’s reaction.

Olivia and Natalia both tried to explain why he hadn’t been told and that their relationship was unexpected. I then studied Rafe’s reaction as he processed everything. He knew what was going on with Olivia and Natalia on the June 11, 2009 episode. I think hearing them admit to their relationship just made what he saw a lot more real. He could barely look at the both of them at this point, and at that moment, I feel like Rafe’s reactions were realistic. I am aware that Natalia stressed the importance of following God’s teachings to Rafe. In his eyes, she was being duplicitous on some of the teachings and values she passed to him as a child. Because Natalia is a firm believer and follower in the Catholic faith, Rafe would look at his mother as a hypocrite right now. As far as he’s concerned, Olivia and Natalia being together romantically doesn’t make sense because of everything he was taught.

Emma’s appearance during the tense-filled moment was a much-needed, temporary interruption. Watching the pain and hurt between Rafe, Natalia, and Olivia was difficult for me because I had sympathy for all three characters at this moment. Obviously, there wouldn’t be a celebratory dinner, and Olivia knew that Natalia needed time with Rafe alone. As Olivia turned to Natalia and told her “it’s going to be okay,” I felt she was assuring herself and Natalia of that. I think Olivia was conveying to Natalia, in her own way, to summon the same strength she expressed with Father Ray when talking to Rafe. Olivia has faith in Natalia, and I believe she wanted Natalia to know that from her words and the way she looked at her before leaving. Of course, I knew the angst would ramp up once Olivia and Emma left the farmhouse, but I was hoping it wouldn’t be so painfully brutal and angering to watch.

I let out a long, frustrated sigh when Rafe jumped to bad conclusions about Olivia. I do not like it when anyone views Olivia so negatively, no matter who it is. As I have indicated in a previous post, this is a testament to how much this character has grown into a heroine. The emotional side of me wanted me to go to war with Rafe when he inferred Olivia was “doing something” to Natalia. On the other hand, when I looked at things in a logical way, his views made sense. When Rafe asked Natalia if Olivia was forcing her into their relationship or blackmailing her, I reflected on the past. I’m aware Olivia doesn’t have the best reputation in Springfield. If Natalia were an angel, then Olivia would be a demon when reviewing her past behavior. This is why Olivia expressed in the June 12, 2009 episode that she didn’t do anything to deserve Natalia. I think Olivia feels unworthy to have Natalia’s love because of her past; however, Olivia doesn’t see the person she has become like Natalia does. The same can be said of Rafe in that he doesn’t see Olivia as she is now. While he knows Olivia has been a good friend to Natalia, Rafe has not been able to see the growth and softening of her personality. He was incarcerated during Olivia’s transformation. Even though Olivia did see Rafe in prison, their visits weren’t frequent enough for him to see her for who she has become. I feel Rafe sees more of the old Olivia, even though he also sees a bit of the new Olivia.

Natalia’s defense of Olivia by confirming she wasn’t forced into anything was spot on. Rafe is unaware just how much Olivia struggled and hurt herself (emotionally) to give up what she wanted to make Natalia happy. During Frank’s courtship of Natalia, Olivia tried to express her feelings to Natalia several times. Others always conveniently interrupted them, or Natalia pushed the conversation to the side because she was in denial about her own feelings. Conversely, Olivia also realized it would be better to give up Natalia and not pursue her. Olivia was not blind to Natalia’s struggles between her faith and the attraction she felt towards Olivia. At the time – specifically February 2009 through mid April 2009 – she grew to feel a relationship with Natalia was hopeless. Even though Olivia wanted Natalia with a yearning that was heartbreaking to watch, she put her desires last. If Olivia “forced” Natalia into anything, it was an ill-fated decision to agree to Frank’s proposal and a rushed wedding. Olivia was unaware that Natalia was getting to a place where she wanted to choose Olivia and pursue her feelings. There were several times when Olivia said things she thought Natalia needed to hear during those angst-filled months. Natalia listened and took Olivia’s advice for a few reasons:

• Rejection - I felt just when Natalia was ready to take a leap of faith, Olivia would say something that she interpreted as rejection. I watched this happen many times, and it was often frustrating to see. However, I can understand Natalia not wanting to step out on faith towards Olivia during those perceived rejections. Even though she could see Olivia’s love for her, Natalia also knew that Olivia was struggling with it as well. After Olivia unintentionally rejected her, Natalia wouldn’t want to open herself up to further rejection so she let it go.
• Familiarity - Being with a man was familiar and normal territory for Natalia. While she cared for and loved Frank in her own way, she was never in love with him. Her heart belonged to Olivia, but exploring her feelings was unfamiliar and completely foreign to her. It was easier to stay on the safe route than veer off course into something new.
• Fear - Natalia loved Gus, and she held onto that love even when they were apart for so many years. No one has ever made her love again until Olivia came along. It scared her because that love came packaged in the female form rather than the male form. It also scared Natalia because I think Olivia is her true love whereas her love for Gus is idealized and fairy tale like. Olivia was far from the fairy tales she fantasized about when it came to her ideas on love.

The full-blown “Frankenclipse” Rafe brought on continued, and he grew more upset with Natalia as she tried to explain. When he begged her to tell him that Olivia was nothing more than an “itch to scratch,” I felt anger, sympathy, and understanding. The emotional side of me was very upset at Rafe for wanting to belittle Natalia and Olivia’s relationship. He probably saw their relationship as nothing more than an early midlife crisis on Natalia’s side. He also might have felt she wanted to explore the “wild side” rather than sticking with the “tame side.” I know their relationship is none of these things; nevertheless, I understand I’m viewing Olivia and Natalia’s relationship differently from Rafe.

I have watched a slow building romance between Olivia and Natalia for months. There is nothing but love between these two women. This isn’t a kinky, short-term sexual escapade for Natalia and Olivia, but that was probably how Rafe was viewing them at this particular moment. He has not seen the love develop between Olivia and Natalia. Looking at it from his side, it’s conceivable he would think what they feel isn’t long-term. Oddly enough, the emotional side of me also felt sympathy and understanding for Rafe at this point. Like Natalia, Rafe also felt Gus was the one “perfect” love for his mother. He was suspicious about Natalia’s decision to marry Frank. I remember him questioning her about her feelings for Frank. Part of Rafe was looking out for his mother and making sure she was happy. However, I feel like part of him was asking because he probably sees Gus in the same fairy tale manner as Natalia did. Like Natalia, Rafe’s view of Olivia as true love was not the image he ever imagined. In that regard, Rafe is truly his mother’s son. Natalia had months to reconcile that her image of true love is not what she imagined; Rafe has not. Strangely, I view Rafe’s reaction (at this point) in a similar way to Natalia’s reaction when people thought she and Olivia was a couple. The January 21, 2009 and February 5, 2009 episodes show a familiar reaction coming from Natalia. Obviously, Natalia has come a long way since then.

I was very proud of Natalia when she told Rafe she was in love with Olivia and that what they have would not be over soon. She was dredging up that same courage she had with Father Ray, which was the courage Olivia conveyed (silently) to her to have before leaving the farmhouse. Natalia refused to belittle and cave on her feelings for Olivia, even though she was clearly hurting for Rafe and was concerned about his feelings. My heart also ached a bit for Natalia and Rafe during this scene because they were both experiencing agonizing pain yet for different reasons. Yet, it wouldn’t take long for Rafe to decimate the sympathy I felt for him.

I expected more “Rafertude” from Rafe, but he took it to a completely new level. His explosive denial that Natalia could not possibly love Olivia killed my sympathy as sharply as his knife-wielding words cut and wounded Natalia. I watched as Natalia gently reaffirmed her love for Olivia, explained that what they have feels right, and expressed (in the most heartfelt way) that she needs her. Rafe just wasn’t trying to hear it. He was coming up with every excuse in the book to explain what Natalia and Olivia have. To his way of thinking, it couldn’t be true love between them. The emotional side of my brain grew dark with thunderous clouds when I watched these particular set of scenes for the first time.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been trying to cut Rafe some slack. I have tried to give people some insight into his reactions so they wouldn’t dislike him so much. I have tried with Rafe just Natalia has tried with Rafe, despite his “Rafertude.” Unfortunately, I experienced a moment of weakness as my heart dropped during these scenes, and pure disdain for Rafe consumed me. When I watched Rafe blow up at Natalia, I crossed over to the “smack Rafe” side for the first time ever. Just like I dislike it when anyone expresses negativity towards Olivia, I truly dislike it when someone does this to Natalia. The fact that it was Natalia’s son just made it worse. Rafe Rivera had me in a downright “I really can’t stand this kid” mood the first time I saw these scenes. He was already exhibiting a disrespectful “Rafertude” towards Olivia and Natalia, but it grew worse as the June 15 episode continued. I had to re-watch these scenes a few times before the logical and analytical side of me tried to understand Rafe’s viewpoint.

To reiterate, he’s seeing Olivia and Natalia as a romantic pairing as an impossibility right now. I have already addressed why he felt that way earlier in this post; however, Rafe also provided other reasons behind his reaction. He feels that Olivia has been the crutch of support Natalia needed while he was in prison. Rafe might feel Natalia is confusing gratitude and the friendship love they have with romantic love. As Rafe also stated, he thinks Natalia is drawn to Olivia in a romantic way because she has Gus’ heart. All of these things account for the “weirdness” Rafe expressed when he pleaded with Natalia to end things with Olivia. Again, Natalia did not cave when it comes to Olivia. She retorted that they are not weird and that she hopes they can be a blended family one day. She tried to make him see that family and love is what counts, no matter who the person is. As difficult as it was to watch, Rafe’s continuous buildup of anger and confusion towards Natalia was genuine. He was once again feeling like Natalia was being a hypocrite with all of the values she taught him. Right now, he is seeing things as black or white, not grey. It is logical for Rafe to feel this way and see things in this manner. Natalia had that same black or white viewpoint before she accepted that love was love, no matter who it is. As I continued to watch these scenes, the emotional side of me was outraged when Rafe yelled that Natalia and Olivia could go to hell. However, the logical side of me knew that Rafe saying this makes sense. Again, he is relying on what he was taught in the Bible and through Catholic doctrine.

When Rafe told Natalia to “go and get your girl,” I swung from anger at Rafe to heartache for Natalia. I watched as she stood in front of Rafe and took his criticisms silently. My heart ached as Natalia’s face expressed hurt, concern, regret, and disappointment. Once again, I got the impression that Natalia wished she would have followed Olivia’s suggestion to tell him sooner rather than later about them. I really believe that Rafe’s accidental discovery of their relationship played a role in how severely he reacted. Perhaps his reaction would have been a little less harsh if they’d sat him down and explained things. Perhaps his words of anger would have been mere flesh wounds rather than escalating stabs of fury to the heart. In the end, I still felt Rafe would have said some of the same things no matter how he was told.

I felt Natalia was a little defeated by the time Rafe finished his tirade. All of the progress she’d made with Rafe on the June 11, 2009 episode evaporated. If anything, Natalia was at a worse place than I’ve ever seen her with her son. Natalia knew that as well as she cried out his name and watched him storm off in anger.

While Natalia stopped by Frank Cooper’s place to search for Rafe, Olivia went to her favorite frenemy confidant – Doris Wolfe. When Olivia and Emma left the farmhouse, I had a feeling that the “fear monster” would grab a hold of her again. One of probably several martinis at Towers couldn’t give her the reassurance she needed. I could tell Olivia was concerned with how Natalia was handling the situation with Rafe. When her worry drove her to the courthouse to seek out Doris, I wasn’t surprised. Olivia was following her normal pattern when the “fear monster” consumes her, and I smiled because Guiding Light’s writers continues to show me this pattern.

As Olivia explained what happened with Rafe, I discovered that Doris is not the big bad “Wolfe” she portrays at times. Doris’ revelation that she helped get Rafe a job was surprising and definitely unexpected. Before I saw this scene, I actually wondered if Olivia had used her connections to help Rafe land his new job. She did indicate in the June 2, 2009 episode that she would continue to help Rafe. I admit I had a sneaking suspicion that Olivia was behind Rafe’s good luck turnaround on the job search. I was wondering if Olivia was keeping it a secret because she didn’t want Natalia or Rafe to know she helped him get the job. However, to my pleasant surprise, I was totally wrong. Doris was the angel in disguise who helped Rafe get a job, and I definitely didn’t see that coming. I realized then that Doris was firmly behind Olivia and Natalia as a couple and wanted them to be happy. Sometimes I am a little unsure of Doris because she has said/done some things that I agree and disagree with regarding Otalia. I never know which side of the coin Doris will present, but she definitely gave me the good side in doing something nice for Rafe, Natalia, and Olivia’s benefit.

When Olivia explained that they were waiting for the perfect moment to tell Rafe, I agreed with Doris’ response. There is never a perfect moment to come out of the closet to children or anyone else for that matter. I think you just have to pick a moment and prepare for the worst but hope for the best. Clearly, Doris wants to maintain a false illusion for her daughter, Ashley, but Olivia and Natalia do not want this when it comes to their kids. When Ashley walked in on them, I studied Olivia’s face as she watched Doris and Ashley interact. I felt she was taking in the sharp contrast between Doris and Ashley’s lighthearted relationship and the current darkness of Natalia and Rafe’s relationship. I had a feeling that Olivia understood at that moment why Doris lived in the closet. She saw how Rafe reacted, but Olivia is unaware just how turbulent things got once she left. I think Olivia clearly noticed the difference in her situation with Natalia and Doris’ situation. I felt Olivia still would choose to be out of the closet and open in her relationship with Natalia. As Natalia once said, Olivia is one of the most honest and straightforward individuals she knew. Even though Olivia was attempting (and failing) to hide her love from Natalia, she was expressing the honesty of her feelings in other ways – mainly through actions. Here are a few examples:

December 24, 2008

When Emma went “missing,” Olivia was in a panic, and Natalia offered to help find her. They started arguing, mainly because Olivia was scared (and reasonably so). When Olivia asked why she cared, Natalia told her she would “die for that kid.” After those words, Olivia paused for several seconds and stared at Natalia. I think she expressed a moment towards Natalia that indicated, “I think I could fall in love with you for that alone.” Of course, Olivia was already in that zone but unaware of it. Some of her prior actions had started her down the path to loving Natalia romantically.

January 13, 2009

Natalia urged Olivia to take a thicker coat because it was colder than they expected. Olivia’s soul stirring, heart pounding stare at Natalia and her slow smile expressed just how much she adored Natalia for caring.

January 16, 2009

As Emma presented the “My Two Mommies” presentation for Family Day, Olivia was clued into what everyone was thinking – that they were a couple. Natalia was completely unaware of what the other parents and school officials were thinking. Nevertheless, Olivia didn’t release the grip she had on Natalia’s hand during the entire presentation for one second.

January 19, 2009 and January 21, 2009

Olivia tried to get Natalia to see that the parents at Family Day thought they were a romantic couple. Despite everything Olivia threw her way – other than simply saying they think we’re lesbians – Natalia just couldn’t see her point. Considering Olivia had consumed a few martinis at Towers after the presentation, her inhibitions were lowered. As a result, she expressed what the parents were thinking and how she felt by kissing Natalia. The January 19 and January 21 episodes showed two different outcomes on the kiss; however, there was one thing that remained consistent in the aftermath. Olivia never regretted that kiss, and she was beginning to pull any remainder blinders off regarding her romantic feelings towards Natalia.

There are many other examples of Olivia expressing the honesty of what she felt for Natalia from that point forward (and before). However, the ones I mentioned were key in showing that Olivia was walking down a romantic path in her feelings for Natalia. There is no way Olivia (or Natalia for that matter) could hide in the closet forever. Granted, there would be an emotional and mental cost in telling their children, but at least they would be open and honest.

When Olivia returned to the farmhouse, I felt she was hesitant and mentally bracing herself to find out what happened between Rafe and Natalia. Olivia definitely had a “prepared for the worst but hoping for the best” expression on her face. She needed it, too, when Natalia explained how her conversation with Rafe went. When Olivia asked how things stood with them as a couple, I already knew the answer before Natalia did. It was in their faces and their body language. Even though Natalia said she didn’t know, I knew. The physical distance between Olivia and Natalia as they cleared up the table indicated where things were headed. In the June 11, 2009 and June 12, 2009 episodes, they couldn’t resist being near each other. At the end of the June 15 episode, I knew that Olivia and Natalia were about to take a step back because of Rafe’s reaction.

As the June 18 episode started, I was mentally prepared for more Otalia-related angst, “Rafertudes,” and at least one “Frankenclipse.” Instead of the angst coming from Frank or Rafe, it came from Marina, Frank’s daughter. When Natalia dropped by Company to find Frank, I detected some coolness coming from Marina. She avoided looking at Natalia during most of their conversation at this point, but this was an understandable reaction. Marina welcomed Natalia into the Cooper clan by expressing it through words and through a gift. She also helped Natalia get ready for her non-wedding to Frank. As far as Marina was concerned, Natalia was a Cooper until she broke Frank’s heart. Even though Natalia has more than enough on her shoulders, Marina telling her not to take advantage of Frank made sense. As far as Marina is concerned, it appears Natalia is using Frank even after hurting him. Natalia definitely isn’t using Frank. After all, he voluntarily stepped up to remain in Natalia’s life, even if it’s on the outer edges. Natalia didn’t ask him to serve as Rafe’s mentor. She didn’t ask him to take Rafe in after he packed and left the farmhouse on the June 15 episode. As I have indicated, I don’t like it when anyone lashes out at Natalia. On the other hand, the logical side of me says that Natalia should expect to receive heat from the Cooper clan. They are not happy with her for hurting Frank, and after observing Natalia’s down expression, she is still regretting what she did to Frank.

When Natalia called Frank from Company, she asked if Rafe was ready to speak to her. I was a bit disappointed but unsurprised that Rafe declined. He clearly needed time to accept the reality of Olivia and Natalia as a romantic couple. After asking how Rafe was doing, I really could have done without a partial “Frankenclipse” from Frank. Marina had already set things in motion for a “Frankenclipse,” and he finished the job. Natalia gets that she didn’t handle things well with Rafe, and Frank could have been a bit more gentler in his response. When Frank echoed nearly the same prophetic words Buzz expressed about Natalia not thinking, it made me sigh in frustration. I do believe Natalia definitely understands this in a clear and obvious way. It doesn’t help to keep hearing people (the Coopers) reiterate this. What also didn’t help was Marina getting back on Natalia’s case again about Frank among other things.

Natalia: “Marina, I was just checking on Rafe. I didn’t plan on any of this to happen.” Marina: “No, see…Natalia that’s the problem. You don’t plan on anything to happen.”

No one plans to fall in love with a particular person. If everyone could plan to fall in love with the right person, then no one would ever be hurt from loving someone. I’m 100% positive Natalia and Olivia had no plans to fall for each other. Believe me, if Natalia had plans on falling in love several months ago, she would have chosen Frank over Olivia. Her religious and personal views would have necessitated it.

Marina: “Life just seems to happen to you, and then everyone around you has to pay the price.”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but sometimes life just seems to happen to all of us (at one time or another). Could Natalia have restrained her behavior around Olivia better? Of course, she could have. However, she and Olivia are only human. These two love each other, and they have to clamp down their desire in showing affection because they aren’t out of the closet. After containing their impulses for weeks, it’s only natural that they expressed some of that affection by touching each other. After Rafe went out for a jog, they thought they were alone at the farmhouse for a while, which has been their safe haven. They definitely didn’t plan on Rafe catching their uninhibited behavior.

Natalia: “I didn’t make this situation.” Marina: “No, you just seem to fall into situations, and then you react to them without taking any responsibility or control. And that’s when people get hurt…like my dad.”

When Natalia told Marina that she didn’t make this situation, she was half-right and half wrong. If by “this situation” Marina was referring to hurting Frank, then Natalia did make that situation to a degree. Natalia knew she wasn’t in love with Frank when she accepted his proposal. She was encouraged by Olivia to marry Frank, but ultimately, it was her own decision to make. I understand why Natalia made the choice to marry Frank, and she thought she could go through with it. Nevertheless, she couldn’t do it, and she does have the right to change her mind, even if it is at the last minute. On the other hand, Frank helped make “this situation,” too. After he slept with Natalia, he told her they could slow things down. However, he rushed out in the next instant, bought a wedding ring, and proposed to her. Frank should have known it was too soon to propose. I understand he felt he was doing the right thing but he wasn’t. In his way of thinking, Frank felt proposing would help ease her guilt by sleeping with him. Still, a smart person would know when someone is not feeling them the same way. Natalia conveyed those signals, but Frank was clearly too blinded by love to see them.

As for Natalia falling into situations and reacting to them, I had another eye rolling moment over Marina’s statement. People fall into situations and react to them; that’s called life. No one can plan how to avoid bad or hurtful things in their lives. If we were capable of that, we would never grow as human beings. When Marina made this statement, I felt like she was making Natalia out to be downright reckless. Natalia did take responsibility for hurting Frank. She admitted as much when Frank started arguing with Olivia on the May 4, 2009 episode. Hurting Frank hurt Natalia because it was never her intent.

When I analyzed the statements Marina made, I had another gut feeling that her words would provide more foreshadowing in Otalia’s temporary direction. I would find out later if I was right or wrong.

While Natalia was dealing with Marina’s verbal tirade, Olivia was preparing for the Independence Day celebrations. She also had the misfortune of running into Father Ray. When I watched this scene for the first time, it was my turn to brace myself mentally for this conversation. I “expected the worst but hoped for the best” when Olivia and Father Ray started discussing Natalia. Olivia thanked Father Ray for supporting her relationship with Natalia. As I expected, he told Olivia that he didn’t support them. I then watched the smile drain from Olivia’s face during this exchange:

Father Ray: “I understand things are difficult for Natalia. I understand that both of you love each other. The circumstances shouldn’t justify your actions. That would be a mistake for both of you, for all the people in your lives.”

When I analyzed what Father Ray was saying, I caught the underlying message here. I think when he indicated that he understood Olivia and Natalia loved each other, he didn’t see it as romantic love. When he said “the circumstances shouldn’t justify your actions,” Father Ray was referring to several things:

• Olivia having Gus’ heart, which he thinks would draw Natalia to Olivia
• Olivia being a good friend to Natalia when Rafe went to prison and helping Rafe get moved to a better prison
• Natalia being a good friend to Olivia by helping her while she had complications with her heart
• Natalia functioning as a second mother to Emma while Olivia recovered from heart surgeries

I think Father Ray feels these are some of the main reasons why Olivia and Natalia love each other but only as friends. I agree these are reasons why they love each other as friends, but there are definitely many more reasons why they love each other in a romantic way. However, Father Ray doesn’t see this. I think he believes they are confusing their love as friends with romantic love based on the circumstances they have gone through. As a result, Father Ray seems to think that because they are “confused,” then they are unintentionally hurting the ones they love.

Father Ray: “I don’t wanna make decisions for Natalia. She’s gotta make her own choices in life as you do…but both of you have had a lot going on. There’s been a lot of turmoil in your life since you both got together. And when you’re in the middle of something like that…I just don’t think you could make clear choices. I’m sorry.”

I agree that Olivia and Natalia have gone through a lot together. I agree they experienced plenty of turmoil before they were a couple. I disagree that there has been a lot of turmoil since they became a couple. Theoretically, Olivia and Natalia did not become a couple until the May 11, 2009 episode. Frank was already clued into their romantic feelings before they became a couple. Rafe’s adjustment and subsequent discovery of their relationship is the only true external turmoil they’ve had. If there has been other turmoil since they became a couple, it has been internal to Olivia and Natalia. Their turmoil, of course, has been:

• Figuring out how to be together and how to act with each other
• Learning how manage their professional lives vs. their personal lives at The Beacon
• Determining how and when to come out to Rafe and Emma
• Controlling their desire to be affectionate until Rafe and Emma (at the time) knew about their romantic relationship

On the other hand, I do agree with Father Ray that in the midst of turmoil, clear choices cannot often be made. Natalia has been worrying about Rafe since he came home from prison. He was not adjusting well. He was struggling finding a job, and he was not always relating well to friends and family. His life had little time to stay on level ground after landing a job. Just when she felt she could worry a bit less, her concern deepened to a completely new level since he learned about Olivia. As I wrote previously, Natalia has been playing an imaginary battle of tug of war between Rafe and Olivia. Rafe yanked that rope this week and won in Natalia’s mind. Right now, resolving things with Rafe is her number one priority, as it should be. Natalia is so worried about the situation with Rafe that she isn’t in the right mindset to make clear choices. I think Olivia realized the truth of Father Ray’s words based on her facial expression.

After wishing Father Ray a Happy 4^th of July, Olivia made her way to Company for coffee. I guess Marina felt that her “advice” to Natalia needed reinforcing, which is why she spoke with Olivia.

Marina: “It’s like she reacts to whatever is in front of her, you know. For example, my dad says, ‘marry me,’ and she says ‘yes.’ Why? Because it’s there.”

To outsiders, Natalia’s reactions could look like she’s reacting to what’s in front of her. Of course, Olivia knows that’s not true (as do I). Believe me, if Natalia reacted to what was in front of her, she and Olivia would have taken more than a few tumbles in one of the farmhouse beds months ago.

Olivia: “She’s a good person, and she knows what she wants.” Marina: “Well you wouldn’t know that to be around her. And my dad can’t just keep getting pulled into her life because she can’t stand on her own two feet.”

As I just indicated, Olivia knows that Natalia is not reckless and reacts to anything in front of her. Natalia is very aware of what she wants, and what she wants is Olivia, Emma, and Rafe as a true family. Natalia definitely has the strength to stand on her own feet. She did it as a single parent for years before moving to Springfield. If Natalia lacked the capability to stand alone, she would have remarried long ago. As for Frank still being pulled into her life, he signed up for everything he’s getting. Natalia has asked Frank for help whenever Rafe pulls one of his disappearing acts. It makes sense that she would seek him out because he is Rafe’s mentor. Logically, Rafe could end up communicating with or visiting Frank whenever he decides to wander off the reservation. Otherwise, Natalia is not pulling Frank into her life.

Olivia: “What is it you want me to do?” Marina: “I don’t know…talk to her. Tell her that she needs to take control of her own life.”

I could see the thoughtful look on Olivia’s face. When I watched these scenes and the ones with Father Ray for the first time, I knew that those conversations made an impression on Olivia. I also knew that these conversations provided another strong indicator on the discussion Olivia and Natalia would have once they met again.

When Olivia returned to her office, she found Natalia waiting for her. As they discussed if any progress had been made with Rafe, Natalia told Olivia she was unsure he would come around. Based on Olivia’s facial expression, I felt a hint of the “fear monster” was creeping up inside her again. I felt like Olivia had a pit in the bottom of her stomach when Natalia asked her to sit down. Rather than choosing the vacant office chair next to Natalia, Olivia chose to sit behind her office chair. I found myself chuckling when Natalia gave a slight chuckle and asked Olivia to sit closer. This was the first lighthearted moment I had during the Otalia week, and while it was minor, it was better than nothing. I managed to smile and laugh, so I was happy for that brief moment.

After Olivia was re-seated, Natalia managed to bring up some things in her conversations with Marina and Frank. She talked about how things would look between them to outsiders, which confirmed some of the foreshadowing I picked up the dialog (with Marina and Frank). Oddly enough, Natalia also seemed to channel the dialog that Olivia had with Father Ray and Marina as well. The writer in me lit up right at the beginning of Natalia’s dialog to Olivia. When I watched these scenes for the first time, I noticed that Guiding Light’s writers were dropping foreshadowing breadcrumbs throughout the June 18 episode. It was extremely pleasant to see the writers retrace their steps through those breadcrumbs, which eventually led to the discussion Olivia and Natalia had at The Beacon. As Natalia went over the timeline of their relationship, I watched Olivia’s face fall as the pieces fell into place. She was remembering her conversations with Father Ray and Marina, and she was going to heed some of the things they said to her. As a result, I was not surprised when Olivia stopped Natalia and told her she agreed. I think Natalia expected Olivia to “hold on tight,” but she “let go” this time, which explained her slight surprise.

Olivia: “I love you. And I know how I feel…”

In last week’s post, I explained how Olivia and Natalia communicate “I love you” to each other. I expressed the desire to hear Olivia say it a bit more, and she granted my wish this week. Like Natalia, I know how Olivia feels, but it was so nice to hear it.

Olivia: “I want everyone to know that even if we’re separate…without the drama, I choose you.” Natalia: “I choose you, too.” Olivia: “So this means we take a step back…”

There were good things and bad things mixed in this dialog but nothing that worried me enough to push me on the ledge. The good involved Olivia and Natalia choosing each other no matter what. These particular lines were my favorite in this week’s episode. Their words gave me comfort in knowing that whatever happened would not break them up permanently.

The bad involved the build up to a temporary break between Olivia and Natalia. In real life, the writers had to develop a way to write Jessica Leccia (Natalia) off the show for her one-month maternity leave. Olivia and Natalia’s discussion about being separate and taking a step back is a part of that. Natalia quitting her job was a second step towards the temporary break.

As Olivia helped Natalia prepare her resignation and recommendation letters, I knew their step back wasn’t as far back as I feared. The smiles and affectionate looks they gave each other gave me temporary peace. I realize that there is something larger in store to remove Natalia out of Olivia’s life, but I was just soaking in the moment just like they were.

Later at Towers, I found myself smiling when Olivia walked over to Frank and Marina’s table and delivered these lines:

Olivia: “I wanted to say that I’m sorry…I can’t take your advice you gave me earlier about Natalia…the one who can’t control her own situations. Because she came into my office today and she handed me her letter of resignation.”

I thought this tactic was downright brilliant of Olivia. While it was Natalia’s decision to resign, I felt Olivia was part of the plot to help resolve people’s image of Natalia. Additionally, I enjoyed how Olivia rendered Frank and Marina speechless towards the end of their exchange. After watching Frank and Marina take turns making Natalia feel worse, I was satisfied Olivia managed to shut them up.

The depressing Otalia week would end with the June 19 episode. The episode started with Olivia and Emma (aka Jellybean) doing a bit of plotting and planning of their own for Rafe’s birthday. As Olivia dropped Emma off for summer camp, they discussed buying him a video game, which is one of Emma and Rafe’s favorite pastimes. I smiled during these particular scenes. After the heavy angst during the Otalia week, I needed some Jellybean on my screen. When Olivia and Emma interact, they often provide fun and smile inducing scenes. I wasn’t disappointed with these particular set of scenes. After tentatively agreeing on the video game to buy Rafe, Olivia explained why there might not be a birthday party. Of course, she explained it by saying “big boys don’t really always want parties.” This is true, but the real reason why there probably wouldn’t be a party is because Rafe is still upset at Natalia. Naturally, Olivia didn’t want to give any indication that there is strife. However, she prepared Emma for the possibility that there wouldn’t be a party and asked that they be extra nice to Rafe. When I heard these words, I wished someone would ask Rafe to be extra nice. I understand he’s upset, but I agreed with Natalia at the end of the June 18 episode. She’s still his mother, and he should show her some respect.

While Olivia was saying goodbye to Emma, Natalia was at the grocery store buying ingredients to bake a birthday cake for Rafe. After accidentally dropping an egg, one of Springfield’s most eligible bachelors, Matt, made his way over to Natalia. I smirked when Matt asked to buy a cup of coffee because I knew what he was up to. Although I didn’t write about it, Matt tried to put the moves on Olivia the week of June 15. Now he was sniffing around Natalia. The poor guy is just clueless that they just aren’t interested in him. As far as he’s aware, they’re single and available, so I can’t knock him for trying. Even though Natalia agreed to Matt’s offer of coffee, he wasn’t about to get any of her sugar.

As Matt walked with Natalia, I realized I was watching something very familiar. He had the same scene with Olivia on the June 12 episode. Guiding Light flipped this scene by putting Natalia in Olivia’s shoes, which I actually found entertaining. When Matt mentioned that his bike “got him around,” I smiled again, especially when Olivia showed up and said, “I’m sure it does.” I knew then that Olivia was aware of Matt’s tricks on Natalia. I watched how Olivia studied Matt before she glanced at Natalia. Olivia then repeated that action again before settling her green gaze on Matt. I detected a bit of jealousy coming from Olivia from the sly look she directed at Matt. My suspicions were confirmed when Olivia told him she would take Natalia’s grocery bag. Her slick “you have fun” response was another one of those indicators. Olivia was definitely jealous, and when she asked Natalia if he was hitting on her, I grinned. Since I have been watching Olivia and Natalia, I have never had any indications of jealousy coming from either one of them. Even when Natalia dated and was engaged to Frank, I never felt Olivia was jealous. Sure, she was envious and in pain but never jealous. Watching Olivia experience jealousy with Natalia for the first time was amusing. It showed another growth point in their relationship, even if they have taken a step back.

When their conversation switched from Matt’s pickup attempts to Rafe’s birthday, the mood definitely changed. Even without Rafe’s actual involvement in this scene, he was able to generate a partial “Frankenclipse.” I watched Natalia’s spirits dampen when she said she didn’t think Rafe would drop by to celebrate his birthday. Olivia noticed that the brief spark of sunshine in Natalia had darkened when discussing Rafe, and she asked Natalia if she would be okay. When Natalia answered with a sad yet unsure nod, I noticed Olivia’s concerned expression as she gazed at Natalia. She was definitely aware that Rafe’s distance from Natalia was having an impact. Olivia was also aware that Rafe’s birthday was bringing Natalia down when it should have been a happy time. It’s why she asked Natalia to “say yes” to her question than just giving her an unsure nod. Even though Natalia managed to smile before saying goodbye, it didn’t fool Olivia. As she let out a long sigh, I felt Olivia could have used an impromptu martini break.

Later at the farmhouse, Natalia was alone and finishing her work on Rafe’s birthday cake. Even though Rafe was definitely not on my favorite person’s list this week, I was glad he showed up to see Natalia. Frank – another person not on my favorite person’s list – managed to make Rafe see that birthdays are about the parents, too. I admit I was grateful to Frank for imparting that bit of advice, and I was glad Rafe listened. When Natalia looked at Rafe, I think she was measuring his demeanor to determine if he might bring more “Rafertude.” When he smiled, Natalia smiled, and I felt she was glad he wasn’t going to be difficult…at least for this special moment. Rafe sat down to join her in icing his cake, and I felt a bit happier for Natalia because his gesture made her day better. Like Olivia, I don’t like to see Natalia sad, and Rafe’s small step forward made a difference to Natalia.

As Rafe and Natalia talked, their discussion drifted to the rift between them. They were able to have a civilized, calm conversation about her love for Olivia and their religious beliefs. Their talk was not in-depth, but at least Rafe was able to get through the discussion without getting upset. His mood was down, yet he appeared to be getting over his shock and anger bit by bit. Natalia told him she would like to explain where she stood on loving Olivia vs. her religious believes, but she didn’t push him. It was Rafe’s birthday, and she was just happy to share it with him. I suspected Rafe showing up to celebrate his birthday meant a lot to Natalia, and these words confirmed what I believed:

Natalia: “Cause you’re not just my son. You’ve been my best friend for half my life…and I miss you.”

These lines were the most touching in these scenes. Natalia spoke them in a soft, gentle, and slightly heart aching way. Her sincere yet sad facial expression was the perfect compliment. Those words and that look obviously affected Rafe because he confirmed he missed her too before giving Natalia the hug she sorely needed. Unfortunately, the temporary truce between Natalia and Rafe ended as soon as she suggested they have dinner with Olivia. Rafe cut things short and left the farmhouse, leaving Natalia all alone again.

On the other side of Springfield, Olivia and Frank had an accidental run in while looking for a birthday card for Rafe. I found it interesting that they both reached for the same type of birthday card at the same time. To me, it was a symbolic indicator of these things:

• They both have great taste in the same woman – Natalia, of course.
• They both equally care about Rafe and his well being.
• They both could be key factors in Rafe’s life once Natalia is out of the picture (due to Jessica Leccia’s one-month maternity leave).
• They might actually become friends again; Frank isn’t so rude and mean to Olivia anymore.

I also found it surprising that Frank actually said hello to Olivia, and she was just as surprised as I was. After a brief discussion where Frank avoiding looking at her, they reached for the same birthday card at the same time yet again. They then both suggested the other buy the card and said so at the same time. Frank glanced at Olivia for the first time before looking away, and she glanced at him right afterwards before looking away. I smiled at this scene because I had one of those light bulb moments that I never saw until this episode. In some regards, Olivia and Frank think similarly and convey things that Natalia loves. Here are some of those similar qualities between Olivia and Frank:

1. Olivia vs. Frank’s Loving Qualities

They both do anything for Natalia, no questions asked. Even though Frank is hurt and still upset with Natalia right now, he is helping her by taking in Rafe and keeping an eye on him. Of course, Olivia has done numerous things to help Natalia – getting her money back from the hedge fund disaster, moving into the farmhouse to help Natalia pay the mortgage, and offering Rafe a job.

2. Olivia vs. Frank’s Loving Qualities

They both defend Natalia against anyone who tries to hurt her. Frank went after Doris and ended up fighting with her bodyguards when he thought she was defaming Natalia’s character. Olivia went after Doris when she thought Doris was using the “My Two Mommies” presentation to hurt Natalia.

3. Olivia vs. Frank’s Loving Qualities

They both are good people. Natalia (and Olivia) often referred to Frank as a “good man.” Even though she didn’t say that about Olivia until recently, Natalia knew that Olivia was a good person, too. Again, Olivia expressed her goodness in actions, not words, and Natalia knew that.

4. Olivia vs. Frank’s Loving Qualities

They both look out for Natalia’s best interests. Even Father Ray pointed that out in the April 14, 2009 episode when Frank and Natalia went through pre-marital counseling.

There are other similar qualities, but some of these things explain why Natalia loved Olivia and Frank. Of course, the difference is that she was in love with Olivia, and she loved Frank simply as a friend. In a strange way, Olivia and Frank are two opposite heads on the same coin in the similar qualities they share. Oddly enough, Natalia kept flipping that coin in the air, and it kept landing on Olivia’s side.

Frank offered Olivia some advice on a birthday gift – by giving Natalia and Rafe time and space. I sighed at this because this was Olivia’s intention on the June 2, 2009 episode. Granted, the “I can’t stay away from the force of your gravitational pull” effect got the better of Olivia, but she has been trying.

Later, Olivia picked up Emma from summer camp and headed to the farmhouse. They found Natalia sitting alone and filled with melancholy in the kitchen. I felt Olivia was taking a bit of Frank’s advice (as well as her own) when she wanted to drop the gift off and leave. However, she also started to pick up the gloomy vibes Natalia was expressing. I could see the concern again in Olivia’s face as she studied Natalia. I felt that Olivia was torn between giving Natalia space and staying to offer her support. It’s why she asked Natalia what she wanted her and Emma to do. Natalia managed to perk up a bit when she asked them to stay and enjoy the food she’d prepared.

I managed to crack a huge, unexpected smile during the next scenes. Olivia and Natalia were standing over the kitchen sink with their backs to Emma, and Emma was trying to sneak some cake. I found myself laughing when Olivia stopped her without turning around. Emma asked how Olivia knew what she was up to, and Olivia told her she has eyes in the back of her head. This was such a classic mother and child interaction that was so realistic. I had similar experiences with my mother and my maternal grandmother when I was a little kid. It was a nice throwback to my own childhood, and it definitely made me laugh. I appreciated the Guiding Light for adding a simple, short yet meaningful scene in the midst of the sadness. I had a lighthearted moment to lift me up (temporarily) in the midst of the heavy Otalia angst and I enjoyed it.

I had a feeling Emma and Olivia’s interaction lifted Natalia’s spirits. She went along with Emma’s suggestion to add candles on Rafe’s cake. As all three of them sat at the table, I felt happiness and sadness at the same time. I was happy that Natalia, Olivia, and Emma were smiling as they added the candles. I was sad because I wish Rafe had been there to share the moment with them. He is truly missing out on a beautiful family experience, but I understand Rafe’s need for space.

Even though Rafe managed to annoy me in the June 15 episode, I ended up feeling sorry for him by the end of the June 19 episode. As he walked the baseball field and sunk down to the ground, I could feel his loneliness. He was clearly missing being with Natalia to celebrate his birthday, but stubbornness, confusion, and pain was keeping him from going home. Rafe needed and wanted space, and he definitely had plenty of it. I am sure his time alone will give him a bit more clarity. I hope he can soon talk to Natalia and see where she stands on Olivia vs. her religious beliefs. Even though Father Ray didn’t understand, I have faith that Rafe will see why Natalia is “testing all things and holding fast to that which is good” in Olivia Spencer.

I have to acknowledge the wonderful performances in this week’s Guiding Light episodes. One of my favorite scenes involved Crystal Chappell (Olivia) and Frank Dicopoulos (Frank Cooper) when they were trying pick out the birthday card on the June 19 episode. The other involved E.J. Bonilla (Rafe) and Jessica Leccia (Natalia) on the June 15 episode. As painful as it was to my “big purple heart,” I loved everything about the scenes where the Rafe was trying to convince Natalia that her feelings for Olivia weren’t real. I am not that familiar with E.J. Bonilla’s work on Guiding Light, and what I’ve seen has been restricted to fall 2008 up to June 19, 2009. I can say that beyond any doubt, his scenes with Jessica Leccia on the June 15 episode were fantastic. Bonilla and Leccia brought out something magical in each other for this episode, and I was blown away by it. I just truly appreciated and loved both of their performances. Those particular scenes made me sad and frustrated that Guiding Light is canceled. I am watching the actors give their all every week, and I wish another network would open their eyes to this amazing show. It’s a treasure.

I would love to take a moment and shower Jessica Leccia with “happy fun times cookie kudos” after this week’s episodes. Watching her is truly an engaging experience that just thrills me. She just continues to impress me with her portrayal of Natalia. Not only am I watching Natalia Rivera grow, but I’m also watching Jessica grow as an actress. I love to watch actors/actresses blossom, and I clearly see that in her performances every week. It’s just astounding. As usual, Jessica continues to kill me “DED” with the facial expressions she conveys. However, I’m also paying closer attention to and enjoying how she expresses emotions in the tone of voice. There is a reason why Jessica Leccia is on my favorite daytime actress list, and this week in particular reminded me why. Once again, I would like to thank Jessica for giving me the definition of beauty with her acting.

To the Guiding Light, I would like to say that as every day draws closer to September 18, 2009, I grow more saddened. I see the hard work the cast, the crew, the writers, and everyone involved in this show is doing. I see a show that is artful and amazing. I see a show that I love so much that it’s become heartbreaking to watch the past two weeks. I have been upset over the cancellation of other shows I watched. However, Guiding Light’s cancellation hits close to my heart unlike any other show. It almost feels like I’m watching a family member slowly die and I can do nothing to stop it (even though I’m still trying). The networks really need to open their eyes and see what I and millions of other fans can see. Guiding Light is TV’s oldest running program, yet it’s actually more progressive than newer programs. How can you let an institution like Guiding Light die? To the networks out there, open your eyes and behold the beautiful light that shines from the Guiding Light. Give this show a chance.

Special Announcements

I normally complete my Otalia posts on Saturdays, but last week and this week, I didn’t post them to my web site until Sunday. If you’ve been reading my Otalia posts since April 20, 2009, I’m sure you have noticed that they grow longer in length. I continue to stretch myself writing about Otalia, and I am always experimenting in how I write about them each week.

As I’m sure you see every week, I love to tie in current week’s footage with past footage. As a result, I have to go back and analyze the past footage as well. While many of the past Otalia scenes I discuss are imprinted in my head, I go back to watch them again. I verify I have the month and date correct in my posts. This task is taking more and more time to do each week, which explains why my publishing deadline is slipping. Therefore, I wanted to let you know there is a good possibility I will not finish my Otalia posts until Sunday some weeks. I will continue to aim for Saturdays, but it might not be possible at this point. The Otalia scenes are extremely layered, and I honestly can go off into another direction for pages (and pages) if I didn’t stop myself. Plus, I have to get some sort of sleep. I think I’ve slept maybe eight hours from Friday-Sunday. I like to write these posts in one straight, all night writing sessions. However, due to growing page length and the amount of footage I’m analyzing now, I might have to adjust my Otalia writing method. I just wanted to let you know that if you come to my site and don’t see the Otalia post, it’s not because I’ve given up. It’s because I’m still working on it. The best way to track my progress is through my Twitter profile. You can follow me (if you want to) via my Twitter alias, The Hive Mind: http://www.twitter.com/thehivemind.

By the way, I haven’t forgotten about the Otalia Jessica Leccia Edition post. I had to take last week off from writing it. I will provide an update on its status this upcoming week.

Note: If you comment and choose to leave a spoiler, please identify it in advance with the word “spoiler,” or even separate it out to alert me that a spoiler is coming. I read everyone’s comments, but if I see the word “spoiler,” I stop reading at that point. Again, I have my process to make the magic happen with these Otalia posts. Thanks everyone for your continued love and support!

Tags: crystal chappell, entertainment, guiding light, jessica leccia, lesbian, natalia, olivia, otalia, review, tv

This entry was posted on Sunday, June 21st, 2009 at 5:04 pm and is filed under Commentary, Life, Play, Reviews. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.